The Chrysalis

As I sat down with my journal last week in an attempt to untangle my thoughts and hopefully get some perspective, I found that the only words I knew to write were “I am just so troubled.” That was the only word that seemed to cover it. The past few months have been filled with uncertainty, grief, anger, fear, anxiety, and so much more for so many of us. The pandemic and tension around so many political/social issues would be enough, but life doesn’t stop for that and other tragedies and losses are still occurring. People are still experiencing everyday struggles and losses unrelated to the virus. It’s downright exhausting. With school starting back soon, parents and school employees are having to deal with so much unknown. We’ve never experienced this before. 

Late one night a little over a month ago, I found out that a precious little three year old girl that I know died in an accident. The shock overtook my body and I started hyperventilating like I haven’t done in a long time. When I realized who this child was, it’s like I just had a moment of resignation. In my mind, I was throwing my hands in the air at God saying, “really?? How much more do You expect us to take?” Sometimes it just feels like He has abandoned us and He’s just watching things spiral further out of control with His arms crossed. Like He’s given up on us. 

The next day, I was on my way home from Tennessee. We stopped along the way to look at some pretty scenery. As soon as I walked up to the lookout on a pretty mountain, a butterfly flew right in front of my face and landed on a leaf. It captured my attention completely and I remembered some research I did a few weeks ago after a friend asked me about the significance of butterflies. 

Butterflies don’t seem to be specifically mentioned in the Bible. However, transformation and new life is what the Bible is all about. A butterfly is the perfect symbol of this. A caterpillar retreats into a dark, dark place called a chrysalis. It literally disintegrates most of itself and starts building new muscles, features, and body parts. This process takes time, is painful, and requires hard work. It’s also very dark. At just the right time, it emerges from the chrysalis and is a totally transformed, new creation as a butterfly. 

Friends, we are going through what is known as collective trauma. This literally has an effect on our brain. It can affect us mentally and also physically. When all of this started, it activated the “fight, flight, or freeze” mode in our brain that alerts us that there is a perceived threat. Many of us are stuck in that state, probably more than we realize, because our brain doesn’t  know what threat is coming next or what to anticipate, so we stay in that mode in hopes of being ready to react. I could go on and on about this, but I’ll just say that being in this activated state for such a long period of time is EXHAUSTING. It’s the reason we might be feeling more tired, on edge, anxious, sad, afraid, and so much more these days. If you want to talk about this more, feel free to message me :) 

I will not say that we are in the same boat because many have pointed out that we’re not. Our situations are different and we’re being affected in different ways by this. However, I have seen posts that say “We are not in the same boat, but we are in the same storm.” I completely agree with that. Here in Southeast Texas, we are all too familiar with hurricanes and the effects they can have. When thinking about this pandemic, it kind of reminds me of when Hurricane Harvey flooded our area. Some people lost their entire home in the flood. Others only took on a little bit of water and lost a few items. Others were displaced from their workplace or had displaced friends and family living with them. For those of us who didn’t flood and seemingly weren’t affected, it was easy to feel guilty. However, I saw all of us come together to help those who were affected. We went out in boats to rescue people from the floodwaters. We set up and volunteered at shelters in our churches and other places. We did loads of laundry for those who were displaced. We donated and volunteered at distribution sites where we handed out water, food, and household items. We helped in countless other ways. I don’t think it should be any different right now. Maybe those of us who have not been directly affected by the virus and are able to can be looking for ways to help those in need. Whether it be dropping off a meal to someone who is sick or calling/texting someone who lives alone or who we haven’t talked to in a while, we can each do our part. We’re not in the same boat, but we are definitely all in the same storm. 

Chrysalis time is hard. The process of transformation is dark and ugly and painful. But the new creation and lasting effects are amazing. I feel like that’s where we are right now. Our world as a whole and especially the ones who have suffered great losses. Sometimes, I get stuck in a pit and can only see the chrysalis. It’s hard to imagine that anything beautiful can come out of it when it’s so very hard. When that butterfly flew in front of me that day, it’s like God was clearly saying to me, “The journey is going to be difficult, excruciating even. Do not forget the end result. The butterfly will come.” We’re going to make it through this.

*I want to add that while it is important to think of and help others through difficult times, it is equally important to take care of yourself, especially if you are struggling. You don't have to feel guilty for focusing on your own healing. Reaching out and being a blessing to someone else is often a great way to lift our own spirits at the same time, but we also must take care of ourselves because no one can pour from an empty cup :)