So Will I: A Letter to the Friends of Alix

This weekend, I attended the funeral of an eighteen-year old girl named Alix. It was one of the most heartbreaking, yet hope-filled and powerful, funerals I’ve ever been to. There was absolutely sorrow present in that room, but there was also an otherworldly strength that was present because of the full confidence of where Alix is and where our hope comes from. I never got to meet Alix personally, but I feel like I’ve known her forever. My sister knew her and several of the girls I know and love were friends with her. My heart is broken for the ones I know and love and the ones I don’t know, but love because they are made in the image of God, who knew Alix and the other two kids who lost their lives. If I could sit you all down and share my heart with you, these are the things that I want you to know. 

Dear friends of Alix,

First of all, I am so proud of you and amazed by the love and devotion you have for your friend. Ever since her tragic passing last weekend, I have seen you step up and come together to honor her in incredible ways whether it be appearing on the news to talk about her life, posting on social media about your memories of her and how much of an impact she had, making bracelets and selling car decals to raise money for her family, or coming together to worship and seek the Only One who can provide hope during this unbelievably difficult time. As I walked into the church for the service, I saw so many of you comforting each other and coming to honor your friend even though you cannot possibly make sense of it. This speaks volumes about the kind of girl Alix was. There was something different about her.

I know there is nothing I can say that will ease your pain right now, but please know this: Alix’s death is not in vain. Life is short, but it is not without meaning. No tragedy, heartbreak, or any type of pain is ever wasted. I know you are confused, angry, and feeling like you’ll never be okay again and that your heart cannot possibly heal from this. And that’s okay. Let yourself feel all of those things and don’t fight them. Let it all out; God knows every detail of what’s going through your heart and mind and He can handle your questions. Before Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead, He wept outside his grave. He knew He would see Lazarus again, but He still grieved. The same is true for you. There are stages of grief, but there is no timetable. Take your time. You don’t have to feel guilty for anything you are feeling. And if it feels like it’s too much, please reach out to someone you trust. Talk through your feelings with someone and allow the people you love to comfort you and speak truth to your heart.

Keep honoring Alix. Keep talking about her and remembering her, when you can. Cry, laugh, do whatever you need to do, but keep her memory alive. This will help you heal in time. Lean on each other. I saw this in action already when so many of you surrounded her casket while “So Will I” played at the end of the service. You had your arms around each other and your hands lifted to Jesus in worship and it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. Don’t stop. Keep seeking Him and worshipping Him together. Be patient with each other, check on each other, and hold each other up. Alix would want that and God gave all of you each other for a purpose.

Pray. Even when you can’t feel God anywhere near you, just pour out your heart to Him. Especially when you feel alone and you aren’t with other people, because there will be those times and they will likely be the hardest. Stay connected to your Lifeline, your Savior. He came to bring light to the darkest places, peace to the middle of the chaos, and life out of death. I promise that He will sustain you. Even if all you can do is cry and say “Why, Lord?”, don’t stop praying.

 What struck me the most was when I learned that Alix and I shared the same favorite worship song, “So Will I.” Alix’s life showed that this song is more than a song; it’s a decision and a commitment to follow Jesus. Even though I didn’t know her personally and only know her through stories and things I’ve heard about her over time, I have never seen someone so young completely live out the words to a song like that. Some of the lyrics say:

As You speak, a hundred billion failures disappear

Where You lost Your life so I could find it here

If You left the grave behind You, so will I.

I can see Your heart in everything You’ve done

Every part designed in a work of art called love

If You gladly chose surrender, so will I.

I can see Your heart eight billion different ways

Every precious one a child You died to save

If You gave Your life to love them, so will I.

Alix made this her mission. She knew Jesus and whatever He did, she said, “So will I.” She was consumed by Him and wanted others to be, too. I believe wholeheartedly that her death is going to lead others to Him. Her story isn’t over, and yours isn’t either.

Jesus defeated death. He endured the suffering and went to the grave, but then He left it behind so it could never defeat us or leave us hopeless. Just like the pastor at Alix’s service said, on that Sunday when He called her home, Alix said, “If You left the grave behind You, so will I.”

We know where Alix is. She’s not in the grave; she’s with Jesus. We know what her life was all about and the indescribable joy she is experiencing right now with her Savior. Follow her example, because she followed Jesus’ example. Worship Jesus even when you feel like your heart is breaking into pieces. Cry out to Him and let Him pull you close. Deliberately choose to believe the truth even when you can’t possibly feel it.

God has been using suffering to bring Himself glory for a long time now. He isn’t going to stop now. Even in your deepest pain, remember that There. Is. Hope. Suffering, however deep, is temporary. Let your pain move you to reach out to others and help them out of their brokenness. Let Alix’s legacy be one that points you and others to Jesus.

Alix, because you were brave and lived your life to the fullest for Jesus, so will I.

Jesus, because You gave your life to love the lost and broken in order to lead them to eternal life, so will I.

You may not know me, but please know that I am praying for you and cheering you on. I am praying that God will fill you with His indescribable peace and give you the strength to get up each morning. I am proud of you and I fully believe that God absolutely has an amazing purpose for your life. You may not understand why this had to be a part of that purpose, but I have learned that the road to our purpose is often paved with much suffering. It makes us more like Jesus and more dependent on Him. Keep going and never lose hope. 

So Will I:

https://youtu.be/C2U7ffUM5Ec

Mission Minded

A little over a week ago, I did something I thought I would never do. I moved to Waco, Texas, four and a half hours from my home, the place I’ve lived since I was born. This was a big step for me considering at this time two years ago I was convinced that I would never be able to live further than Houston, two hours away from home. Yet, here I am! God is good and He has made it clear over and over again over the past year that this is where He wants me to be. He has given me the amazing opportunity to attend graduate school at Baylor University to get my Master’s degree in Social Work. I am taking two classes right now and will be taking four in the fall and spring, along with doing an internship at a girls’ home for 20 hours a week and acting as a research assistant for at least 10 hours a week. It’s going to be a challenge; but I’ve been nothing but ecstatic about it for the past few months! I love adventure, and that’s what I’ve been looking at this as. Unfortunately, the excitement only lasted until I got here last week.

My parents came with me and helped me move into my apartment. All was going well until Wednesday afternoon as the time grew closer for them to leave. I realized, “I’m about to be alone here where I don’t know anyone and I don’t know where anything is!” Suddenly, all I could think about was how intense this program is going to be and how much I miss my people back home and back at Lamar. All I wanted to do was get in the car and go right back to Nederland. The tears began to fall and they didn’t stop until late that night.

Let me back up for a second. The week before I moved, I had the privilege of going to preteen camp with our church as a sponsor. I got to spend the week at Pineywoods, my favorite place, with some of my favorite kids. The theme for our week at camp was “Focused.” All week, we learned and talked about the importance of keeping our focus on Jesus. One of the things the pastor talked about was the importance of staying focused on your mission. We are purpose-driven people; we need something to work toward and give us meaning in life. It’s what keeps us going. I often think about the importance of being mission-minded, but I completely lost sight of it in my despair this past week. Ironically, I have been referring to my year in this graduate program as Mission: MSW (Master of Social Work.) My mission right now is to obtain my degree and impact as many people as I can in the process. When it comes to a mission like this, I can get easily overwhelmed and give in to the enemy’s lies telling me that I can’t do it. Another thing the camp pastor talked about was the importance of putting our faith in Jesus and not in ourselves. It reminded me of the place I was in two years ago right now. I was battling intense anxiety and got to where I couldn’t drive. I was completely convinced I would never get past it because I simply didn’t have enough faith. Thankfully, a sister in Christ reminded me that it’s not about how much faith we have, but Who we are putting our faith in. He is able to accomplish ANYTHING through us. He gives us His strength when we can’t do it. It’s all about Him. I needed that reminder desperately.

For a little while, I started to regret that I had gone to camp the week before moving. I thought I had given myself less time to prepare and lost valuable time that I could’ve spent with my family. Now, I see that I was right where I needed to be. I needed to hear those messages just as much, or maybe even more, than the kids did. The truth came back to me this week when I needed it the most.

This past week has been hard. It has been a difficult transition and I cried/fought back tears all day for the first four days. I just wanted to go home and kept telling my mom over the phone “I don’t want to be here!” I was particularly distressed on one of those phone calls and told my mom to tell people to pray. If you don’t know, I come from a church family full of prayer warriors. As one of the men in our church once said, “When those TBC prayer warriors get after the devil, he runs!” It’s true. We are a family and we come together to support each other. In addition to that, I have so many amazing family members, friends, former professors, and others who continually encourage, support, and pray for me. I have definitely felt that over this past week, so thank you all so much. I’m still not completely at home here and I am still nervous about the huge task ahead of me, but I’m feeling a lot better. I’m reframing my thoughts and starting to enjoy myself more. Again, thank you for all of your prayers and encouraging words. Please keep them coming; I still have 9 ½ months to go!

Yesterday, one of my professors gave us a paper with these words written on it:

Don’t be frightened by the size of the task.

In between the big words is this verse: “Be strong and courageous and get to work, for the Lord my God is with you. He will not forsake you. He will see to it that everything is finished correctly.”

1 Chronicles 28:20

So, I am going to be strong and courageous and do my best to stay mission-minded! I encourage you to do the same with whatever the Lord has placed in front of you. Come see me if you’re ever in Waco 😊

Now for the pictures...

 This was my view while writing today. Lovers Leap at Cameron Park. Beautiful!

 Some apartment pictures...

 My sweet roommate could tell I was having a hard time and got me flowers :)

 My "Baylor cousins" saved the day and came to visit! So fun!

 A small area in the social work building. The building is beautiful!

 Took a walk along the river and the Suspension Bridge.

 Walking along the river at Cameron Park; one of my new favorite places.

 Campus tour!

 I love FaceTime! I miss my Penny!

 We found this gorgeous area on campus in one of the libraries today.

 We survived our first week of grad school! I like these people :)

Be Still

My little area of Texas has received a lot of heavy rainfall over the past few days. Yesterday was especially scary. From the moment I woke up until late afternoon, it felt like the rain would never stop. It hasn’t even been a year since Hurricane Harvey came through and brought catastrophic flooding to our area. Some people are just now getting back into their homes, and yesterday, those same people were getting water in their houses again. I found myself sitting at home with a heavy heart and praying constantly that the rain would stop. I prayed that God would still the storm and protect the community and people I love so much. At times, I would think, “God, why are You letting this happen again? We can’t do this again so soon. Some people might completely lose hope.”

Thankfully, the rain subsided and the water drained. For the most part, there was minimal damage and we did not experience another Hurricane Harvey this week. Still, my thoughts and feelings during the rain reminded me of a similar experience I have had. Two years ago right now, I was in the middle of an intense battle with panic and anxiety disorder. It was consuming, debilitating, and left me feeling hopeless and confused most of the time. Just like yesterday when I felt like the rain was never going to stop, two years ago I was convinced that I was never going to get better or have a normal life again. I think we have all found ourselves in this place at some point. Storms, whether they be literal or figurative, come into our lives unexpectedly and totally take away our sense of security and hope. Even as Christians, we wonder where God is and why He is allowing this to happen. It just doesn’t make sense.

One day while I was in the midst of the storms of anxiety and depression, God taught me a beautiful lesson through my precious puppy I had at the time, Mabry. Mabry was a small, energetic, stubborn, loving, absolutely beautiful dog who did NOT like baths. It was never a pleasant experience for either of us, but that day, I decided to give her a bath. As she sat in the water, I noticed a clump of dirt was sticking to her hair. I gently began to pull it out and she just as quickly jerked away and started whimpering. I can clearly remember myself gently pulling her back to me and saying, “It’s okay. I know it hurts. Just be still,” and holding her until I got the dirt out. Immediately, it’s like I could picture God looking down from heaven on my suffering and saying to me, “It’s okay. I know it hurts. Just be still.” 

This lesson changed everything for me. I wasn’t at all trying to hurt Mabry; I was just trying to clean her and get the dirt out of her hair. Unfortunately, it required her to feel some pain. But in the end, she was clean. In the same way, God doesn’t delight in causing us pain. However, He loves us so much that He is going to do whatever it takes to cleanse us and make us who He has called us to be. Sometimes, pain is necessary. He doesn’t ask us to ignore it or try to fake our way through it; He stays right there with us. He sees and knows our struggle and He stays right there with us. All we need to do is be still.

I don’t know what kind of storm you are in or what pain you are experiencing, but please do not lose hope. Know that God has not abandoned you and He is not cruel. He is right there with you and He is using this pain to do something incredible in and through you, bringing you to places you may never get to if you don’t go through the suffering. Be still and let Him do His work. The pain won’t last forever and He will hold you close through it all.

Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”