February seems like a lifetime ago; a different world. In a way, it was. I remember being at an engagement party for some friends in Waco. I was standing there talking to someone I didn’t know and she casually asked, “So, has your life been affected by the coronavirus in any way?” I was confused and looked at her with what I’m sure was a blank stare. In my mind, I was thinking, “Isn’t that just something happening in China?” I actually thought she was joking, but I couldn’t tell, so I said, kind of awkwardly, “No, it hasn’t. Has yours?” She went on to tell me that her workplace had been having some problems because some shipments from China were being delayed. At that point, I understood and realized that this probably was an issue for several places. I said, “Oh, yeah, I didn’t think about that! I work at a preschool, though, so I’m sure it won’t affect me much.” Little did I know.
As we all know, the coronavirus DID end up affecting all of our lives in one way or another. When the schools shut down back in March, I honestly thought we’d work from home for about two or three weeks and then go back to normal. Now, it is July and we don’t even know how or if we’ll be able to go back in August. Ever since the beginning of all of this, my family and I have not been afraid, but we have been taking the necessary precautions. We agreed that we felt like we would be okay if we got the virus, but we would never want to give it to anyone else, especially someone like my grandpa who would be much more vulnerable and unable to fight it off. So, we have stayed home as much as possible and worn masks as requested. Still, about three weeks ago, my mom ended up contracting the virus. I still remember the day she tested positive. She had started showing symptoms and that night, I was terrified. I remember such a strong wave of reality just hitting me and the whole thing becoming so real. My mind began racing with stories I had been hearing of people suddenly getting very sick and ending up in the hospital alone. I absolutely couldn’t bear the thought of my mom having to go to the hospital and me having to stay home with no access to her. I imagined having to drop her off at the hospital not knowing if I would ever see her again. And the thought did linger in the back of my mind, “Will I get it, too, and end up in the same situation?”
Thankfully, none of those things happened. My mom did have a very rough time, but she was able to stay home and treat her symptoms. Three weeks later, she is still not feeling great and having a hard time building her strength back up, but she is definitely on the road to recovery. Unfortunately, the fact that she had the virus meant that my dad and I had to quarantine for 14 days. Like, actually quarantine where we literally couldn’t leave the house or have any physical contact with people. This happened just a few days after I had finished work for the summer, so I had just gotten back into the routine of going to work every day and now I would have to do exactly the opposite. I found that this round of quarantine was a lot different than it was back in the spring when everyone was staying home. Now, most people were still living their regular lives, as different as it is now, while we were literally isolated. This didn’t go well for me mentally. As you all know, I struggle with what can be pretty severe anxiety and depression. I have made significant progress this past year, but I have felt myself sliding back into a pit these past few weeks. Recently, I have had a few things happen that made me way more upset than they usually would because of the circumstances. When you are in isolation, you truly start to feel like the world has forgotten about you. Even though our family, friends, and church family were taking such good care of us and dropping things off constantly, I still felt forgotten and alone. I was craving meaningful connection with the people I am used to interacting with regularly and whom I have been cut off from these past few months. It starts to take a toll and then your mind starts messing with you. The enemy starts telling you that people don’t really care about you and that you don’t matter to anyone. All it takes is a couple of people not returning your text messages as soon as you thought they would to have you convinced that they don’t like you anymore. At least, that’s the way my mind tends to work! Thankfully, I have a great support system and I have a “toolbox” full of healthy coping skills that I know how to use (if I will bring myself to do it!) One of my favorite ways to process my thoughts and unravel unhealthy thinking patterns is through journaling. Below is an excerpt from my journal entry about a week ago as I was feeling forgotten. God seems to have a habit of speaking to me and revealing things to me as I’m writing, and this time was no different.
“I feel so expendable. I’m probably blowing this way out of proportion, but I can’t deny that it hurts deeply. So, what does that say about me? What’s the deeper issue here? I think it further reveals how lonely and insecure I still am. Maybe it’s normal to feel that way. I just feel like I connect with other people so very deeply to where it hurts, but it’s one sided and they don’t feel the same about me. They like me and humor me, but they don’t really need me or want any quality time with me or anything. And as I’m writing this, I am having a realization that this could possibly be how God feels in His relationship with me. He loves me fiercely and wants to know me completely and have a special connection, but I’m okay to settle for a casual “hello” or even a deeper conversation every now and then if it benefits me, but I’m not interested in just spending time in His presence and pursuing that deep connection He desires to have with me. I blow Him off and make excuses. I treat Him as if He’s expendable.”
This was such a powerful revelation. I cannot deny that avoidance is my favorite defense mechanism; the way I typically choose to ignore the things I know I need to address. This is especially true in my relationship with God. For some reason, in my worst moments, I shut Him out instead of drawing near to Him. Maybe, just maybe He was allowing me to experience what that feels like. Maybe He was and is showing me that I’m never alone and that there is Someone who deeply loves me and wants to spend time with me. Maybe, He’s teaching me that even though He can do everything without even the thought of me and I can do nothing without Him, I am not expendable because He calls me His and He wants me. That’s a pretty amazing thought.
Fellow empaths and friends who feel expendable, know that you’re not alone. You have a place in this world even during a global pandemic when you are sitting at home by yourself. You are loved and seen and not forgotten. And, like I wrote in another journal entry, somehow it will all be okay.
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