2014

Ever since my kindergarten year, I have been aware that the numbers “2014” were important. They were always written on my elementary school crafts and talked about with excitement and anticipation. Even after I realized that the numbers symbolized the year I would graduate from high school, it just seemed like an important event that was a long way off. Throughout middle school and even into high school, the numbers loomed in the distance and my life seemed to just be leading up to that exciting, monumental year. So, on December 31 of 2013, I was filled with a sense of fear, excitement, and great anticipation. I knew that the next day would be the beginning of a new, crazy, WONDERFUL year that I had practically waited my whole life for! I could hardly wait to experience all of the new adventures and experiences that were sure to come.

I’ve always been the type of person who looks and plans ahead. I tend to focus a lot on the future and feel much more comfortable when I have a plan and know what to expect in different situations. Because of this, I had a pretty  good picture in my mind of what I expected 2014 to look like. I would finish my last semester of high school, have fun taking senior pictures and planning a graduation trip and party, graduate high school, have a fun summer with friends and family, and then start college and enter a whole new, exciting world! How much better could it get? No wonder I was so optimistic and excited the night before 2014. However, things like the death of my pastor, grandma, and uncle were not on my list of “things that will happen in 2014.” Yet, that is a small portion of how the year unfolded, along with various losses and tragedies that people I know and love experienced throughout the year. Needless to say, this wasn’t part of the plan. Not MY plan, anyway. Starting in January and continuing throughout the year, I felt like things were just spiraling out of control and that there was one loss after another. By the time June came around, I was stressed, depressed, and very confused. I’ve written in previous posts about how I went through a period of being angry with God and wondering if He was still in control or even cared about my situation. I spent a lot of time questioning Him and dwelling on how seemingly hopeless and unfair life had become. After a while, my faith was strengthened and I once again knew and believed that God is with me and works all things for good. Still, I struggled with the depression and feelings of emptiness. I still just couldn’t understand why God allowed things to happen the way they did this year. Never in a million years would I have though the year 2014 would unfold this way. Now, on December 31 of 2014, I have finally come to a conclusion.

The song He Is With Us by Love and the Outcome says:

“We can’t pretend to see the ending or what’s coming up ahead

Don’t know the story of tomorrow, but we can stay close to the One who knows

 We can trust our God, He knows what He’s doing

 Though it might hurt now, we won’t be ruined”

And that is what I have discovered this year. No matter how much we plan and prepare for the future, it’s impossible to know for sure what is going to happen. Only God knows how each of our days will unfold. It sounds simple, but it’s true. I have realized that even though I don’t always like or understand His ways and the things He puts in my path, He ALWAYS works all things for good. There’s a purpose in each and every one of our circumstances. Last night, I was reading the book of Job and came across these verses…

                “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see Him with my own eyes – I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!” Job 19:25-27

Job was a man who had everything taken from him. He was severely afflicted and tempted to despair, but in the midst of his affliction he uttered these words.

We never know for certain what is going to happen to us in life. There will inevitably be difficult times, and there will also be joyful ones. The only thing we can be certain of is the very thing Job stated: Our Redeemer lives. He has already overcome all of the pain and evil in this world and one day, those of us who trust in Jesus will see Him with our own eyes. At that moment, all of our questions will fade away and the pain of this life will just be a distant memory. Until then, we must stay close to the One who knows every detail of our lives. I don’t know what will happen in 2015, but I know the One who has everything under control. He will carry us through.

 

“Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job 2:10

 

http://youtu.be/qYLoigK4WSI

Waiting for Daddy

I recently started working in the child care department of a health and fitness club. Parents are able to bring their kids and leave them in the kids' club while they go work out. The kids' club is a fun place; it has a movie theater, an awesome slide, a row of TV's to play X-box on, and countless toys. Still, some kids have a hard time separating from their parents. One little girl in particular caught my attention last night. Her dad carried her into the room and sat down with her in order to try and get her to color a picture. After a while, he left to go work out, and the girl was devastated. She cried and cried out of frustration and confusion. I can just imagine some of the thoughts running through her mind: "Where is my daddy? Why did he leave me here alone? Is he ever coming back?" I went over and tried to talk her into playing on the slide or watching a movie, but all she could say in the midst of her tears was "Daddy!" It was clear that even though the place she was in was filled with toys and all kinds of fun things to do, the only place she wanted to be was with her daddy. I told her, "your daddy will be back soon. He had to go work out, but he left you here because he wanted you to play and have fun. Why don't you color a picture for him? He will want to see it when he gets back." It was then that I made an instant connection.

That's how we are sometimes as Christians. This world can be a fun place and it offers basically anything we could ever want, but sometimes, we feel lonely and even abandoned. We just want to cry and be reunited with our Father. However, God has placed is here for a purpose. Even though this world is broken and life on Earth is not always easy, God has a job for us to do; our very own picture to color. While we wait for Him to return, it's not going to do any good for us to just sit here and cry. Sure, it's perfectly normal to grow weary and have moments in which we feel the weight of this world and cry about it, but we can't stay there. No matter how far away it may seem, the day is quickly approaching on which our Father will come for us. He has given each of us a unique mission and He will want to see who has been faithfully fighting the dark and serving and who has been crying and giving in to despair. As my grandma used to say, "don't do anything that you wouldn't want to be doing when The Lord comes back!" We'd better start coloring our pictures.

“But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. It’s like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with their assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch. “Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. What I say to you, I say to everyone: ‘Watch!’ ” (‭Mark‬ ‭13‬:‭32-37‬ NIV)

The Call of a Caregiver

Every human being has a special calling in life. It may change throughout different seasons and there may be more than one, but each of us is called by God to walk a specific road that He has laid out for us. Some are called to be teachers; to share with others the wisdom that God has given them. Some are called to be encouragers; to stand by a friend, cheer them on, and let them know that they are not alone. Some are called to be musicians, missionaries, servants, and the list goes on. Of all the unique, admirable callings that God has placed upon His children, the one closest to my heart is the calling of a caregiver. Not a doctor, nurse, or someone who is necessarily trained to take care of others, but ordinary, every-day people who take on the role of caring for a friend or family member who is sick, thus beginning a journey that requires patience, endurance and a whole lot of faith.

The dictionary defines a caregiver as "a person who cares for someone who is sick or disabled." But what does it mean to "care" for someone? I have witnessed a few special people recently who have walked or are walking the road of a caregiver, and it is SO much more than just periodically checking on their loved one to see if they need anything. To be a caregiver is to live life with the one being cared for and to be there for their every need. It means taking them to their doctor's appointments and treatments, going with or for them to the grocery store, keeping track of their schedule as well as your own, making late night trips to their house, or sometimes having them live with you. It means constantly having your phone nearby and listening in case the person needs something when you aren't with them. It means talking to them and listening to their cares and frustrations; holding yourself together in order to help hold them together. Sometimes it means crying yourself to sleep or not getting any sleep at all. It can mean constantly worrying about your loved one's well-being and wondering if you are doing enough to take care of them. It means making sacrifices and putting your own needs aside when necessary, which is often. It's not always a fun job to be called to, but God always seems to call just the right people to walk it. He doesn't always call the strongest people or the ones with the most experience, but He calls the ones who He knows will be faithful. After all, He has not called us to be perfect or even successful, but faithful.

The caregivers that I have witnessed have most definitely been faithful. They have cried, gotten frustrated, felt weary and stressed, but they have kept going because they love the person they are caring for. That's what it all comes down to: Love. 1 John 3:18 says "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." A faithful caregiver is the embodiment of this verse. They are not only telling their loved one that they love them with mere words; rather, their love is made manifest through the actions they take and the sacrifices they make for the sake of their loved one. John 13:34 says "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." The love that Jesus shows us is unconditional, sacrificial, and never-ending. The role of a caregiver is a beautiful example of the love of Christ being lived out as it should be.

Some of you have fulfilled this calling and your journey as a caregiver is complete, and some of you are still walking this road. Wherever you may be, just know that you have been faithful. Your love, care, and devotion to your loved one has not gone unnoticed or overlooked, and I believe that God is pleased with you. You are a faithful servant and an inspiration to many. You have poured so much of your life into others, and I pray that God will now pour it back into you and that you will find joy and rest at the end or in the middle of your journey.

Some of us may never experience the life of a caregiver. We may be called to other roads; some fun and exciting and some dark and painful. Whatever the path God has called us to, He only asks that we submit to His will, rely on His strength, and faithfully follow Him.

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'" Matthew 25:40

Return to Me

 Wow! A lot has happened since January when I last wrote. The past few months have been a whirlwind of change, growth, milestones, and quite a bit of heartache. I don't really know how to describe the emotions I've experienced and the lessons I have learned, but I feel like I should try in the hope that it will be an encouragement to one of you. So, here goes...

As a Christian and someone who has grown up in church, I've always felt somewhat of a responsibility to hold it all together and have a deep, strong faith no matter what. God is good. God is in control. God has a purpose for everything. These are the things I have always believed and reminded others of when things go wrong. It's pretty easy to know these things and relate them to other people's situations. However, my faith has been tested in the past few months like never before, and truthfully, I haven't been able to hold it all together or be fully convinced of the truth.

My favorite person in the world, my grandma, was placed on Hospice care at the end of January after battling cancer for several years. Initially, I was devastated and tempted to despair, but I quickly reminded myself of the truth that God is in control. Over the next few weeks, things went on pretty much like normal. She got weaker, but she was still living independently and able to go places with us like always. On March 1st, she began to decline rapidly and passed away on March 12th, so much sooner than any of us expected. It happened so fast. One day we were playing Scrabble at the kitchen table and the next day she wasn't able to get up from the couch.

After she was gone, I wasn't just heartbroken; I was angry! I couldn't wrap my mind around it and spent most of my time laying in bed either crying or staring at the wall. The next week, I had to go back to school and was immediately overwhelmed with confusing homework in two suddenly difficult classes, extra choir rehearsals, and graduation/college preparation. Just the thought of having to get up every day and face all of it completely overwhelmed me and drained me of motivation and energy. Life became a cycle of grief, stress, and trying to find the strength to do the things that had to be done. Somewhere along the way I stopped reading my Bible regularly and my prayers became less and less frequent. I began to question God's goodness and whether or not He was really with me or even cared. My spiritual life felt like it was fading and everything else just seemed out of control. To me, it just wasn't fair. I didn't get as much time with my grandma as I wanted. I didn't know that she would be gone so quickly and that our time would be cut so short. I didn't want to hear what anyone had to say about Heaven or how we have hope because she is with Jesus. Nothing made sense and nothing brought comfort. I didn't know I was capable of feeling such grief and pain and at times I questioned everything I believed.

A few weeks ago, I was at church absently flipping through my Bible when my eyes landed on this verse:
"'Even now,' declares the Lord, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.'" Joel 2:12. Okay, I realize that I wasn't in the same situation that the people of Judah were in when God spoke to them in this passage, but I related to it instantly. The first part of the verse resonated with me the most: "Even now, return to me with all your heart." I felt like God was drawing  me back to Him. He was showing me that He is good and in control even now, even when I'm angry and hurting and doubting. The worst thing I could possibly do in my time of grief was turn away from God, my only hope.

Ever since that moment, I have begun moving forward instead of sliding backward. I still have days of sadness and times when the pain is as real as it was three months ago, but I am no longer grieving as someone who has no hope. I am learning that hope makes all the difference. And, because Jesus has already overcome all of the pain and evil in this world, there will always be hope no matter what the circumstances. It's okay to be broken and even angry because He meets us in that place. He will not allow His children to slip away. He calls us back to Himself and it's up to us to choose to trust Him even in the midst of the darkest nights.

I love this song by Casting Crowns. It's called "Just Be Held" and it has been such a comfort.
http://youtu.be/tIZitK6_IMQ

Broken glass, broken hearts

A few days ago, I decided I wanted to bake. I saw a recipe on Pinterest that looked really good, so I thought, why not? I'm not exactly the type of person that spends a lot of time in the kitchen, so this was a little stretch, but I didn't think it would be extremely difficult. So, I gathered my ingredients and arranged them on the counter. I then realized I was missing the brown sugar. Opening the cabinet door, I spotted it sitting on the top shelf, just barely within my reach. As I reached up to grab it, my arm knocked into a full bottle of steak sauce. I tried to catch it, but it was too late. The next thing I heard was the sound of glass shattering, and I turned around to see the sauce splattered all over the floor and continuing to flow through the kitchen. For a minute, I just stood there staring in shock. This was not at ALL how I expected to begin my baking project! After a minute I grabbed a towel and started cleaning it up, all the while feeling a small sense of anger rising up inside me. I didn't understand why it had to start this way and I was irritated that I was having to deal with this when I could already be baking. But finally, I guess I just sort of accepted it. I placed a towel over what was, at that point, a puddle of water, and went on with my project. While thinking about it later, I realized that maybe there's a parallel between the grieving process and me shattering a bottle of steak sauce. The pastor of our church passed away last week completely unexpectedly. He was only 50 and left behind a wife and 3 kids. Our church has been grieving and I can't even imagine how much more devastated his family must be. So, the grieving process has been on my mind lately. It sounds silly to find a connection between grief and steak sauce, but think about it. Think about a time when something happened seemingly out of nowhere that just turned your world upside down. At first, you're in shock. You just stand there staring at the situation, maybe even unable to move. When the shock wears off, you start to feel angry. You just want to shake your fist at heaven and ask, "WHY, God? This doesn't make sense! This isn't fair!" And once you've let your anger out, you just finally accept it and start figuring out how to move on. Now, I'm no expert, but this seems to be the way it goes. And honestly, I don't see anything wrong with it. Some people say that depression is a sin and it's absolutely terrible to be angry with God, but I don't believe that at all. Depression, grief, and anger are completely NATURAL responses for us as humans, and even as Christians. We know that God is in control and that He has a plan, but we do not and cannot understand His ways. Therefore, we are going to be sad and angry when horrible things happen. The thing to remember is this: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens. God says in His Word that there is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. There is a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to be silent and a time to speak. He also says that He has made everything beautiful in its time. Maybe you're in a time of mourning. Cry and grieve as long as you need, but remember that there is also a time to laugh and dance. If you're angry, be angry and let it out. God can handle it. Just remember that even Job did not curse God in the midst of all his suffering. When the anger fades, remember that there is a time to heal. And most of all, remember that there is a time to keep going. There comes a time when you've let all of your emotions out and you simply have to let go. You have to let God do His work and heal your broken heart in a way that only He can. I won't pretend to have all the answers or claim that I have it all together when things go wrong. But I have to believe that God sees, cares, and loves. He cries with us and gives us the strength to keep going. He is in control and has a perfect plan. He comforts us so that we can comfort others. And one day, He will wipe away all of our tears and make everything right again. Until then, we must hold onto Him and trust what we cannot see. He is our Healer, Redeemer, and our only hope.