What I Really Wish I Knew

I spend a lot of time thinking about what I wish I would’ve known when I was younger. My friend and I named our girls ministry “What I Wish I Knew” for this very reason. We want to build relationships with young girls and share with them the things we have learned and wish we would’ve known when we were their age. Yesterday, instead of thinking about what I could tell young girls, I found myself thinking about what I wish I knew right now. It was kind of like reverse thinking, but I think it was good for me!

Unfortunately, I am still in the middle of a battle with anxiety. It has seemed to be only intensifying over the past few days. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do and I’ve been blessed with really good help through all of this, but I continue to have setbacks. Every day is a fight. I know that God is with me and I believe He is in control, but it is very hard to hold onto hope sometimes and my faith is definitely being tested. Yesterday was especially difficult. I could not get a moment of relief. Once again, I felt completely hopeless. I finally asked my mom, “Do you think I’m ever going to be okay again? Because I don’t.” My thoughts consisted of things like, “Am I going to live like this forever? Is it ever going to pass? Why is this happening?” Obviously, I like to write. It helps me process my thoughts. I wrote in my journal that I wish I could know for sure that I am going to get past this eventually. It would still be hard to endure, but at least I would know that there’s hope. If I could just have the assurance of the end result. That’s what I wish I knew.

Later that night, I decided to read the verses in Romans about how all things work together for good. I started a little further up in the chapter. This is part of the passage I read:

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God…For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” Romans 8: 18-21, 24-25

Those last two verses really hit me. Hope that is seen is not hope. If I could see the end result, I wouldn’t have a reason to hope. God does not typically show us the end result of our suffering. He only promises to be with us and that ultimately, it’s going to be okay. Verse 28, the one I was looking for, says “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Somehow, He’s going to cause everything to work together for good.

We are supposed to hope for what we do not see. I certainly can’t see the end of this battle, so I need to “wait for it with patience.” There’s that patience thing again. Not my strongest point. But I know that it is crucial. Ironically, I was asking God to show me the end result so that I would have hope, when I actually wouldn’t need to hope for anything if I could see what was going to happen. Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the confidence in things unseen. I am continuing to believe that He will see me through this no matter how bad it gets. I will hold onto hope because He is faithful. This I know for sure.

“Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.” Proverbs 23:18

To be Fearless

Fear is threatening to consume me lately. It’s funny, or maybe ironic, because up until a few weeks ago, I felt like I had come a long way in the area of fear. After years and years of being an extremely shy, quiet little girl who was terrified of absolutely everything, I was suddenly realizing that God’s plan for me included much more than just sitting on the sidelines and playing it safe. My friend and I started a girls ministry a few years ago, and back in January we decided to take things a step further this year. We decided to host our yearly conference at a camp. We knew this would require a LOT more work and responsibility, and, seeing how we’re both in college and this retreat is going to take place in the middle of the semester, it was definitely going to be a challenge. I remember a conversation we had one night that ended with us deciding our motto for the year would be “Do big things.”  We had both been learning the importance of getting out of our comfort zones and being brave.

 That night, after that conversation, I felt like I could conquer the world. I started doing a Bible study called Fearless and, shortly after, accepted the invitation to go work with missionary kids in Africa. Africa. The girl who vowed never to fly on an airplane, and, once she got over that fear, was adamant that she would never leave the country, was about to get on a plane to Africa like it was no big deal. You should’ve seen my Pinterest page around that time. It was FILLED with inspiring quotes about being brave and doing hard things and getting out of your comfort zone. I felt like God was strengthening my faith like never before, and I was so ready for all of the adventures to begin.

When my anxiety started flaring up so badly about a month ago, I slowly began to sink back into that pit of fear. These days, I feel like I’m right back where I started in a lot of ways. I feel safe inside my house and I’ve slowly gotten to where I feel safe at church, but anything beyond that is now out of my comfort zone. I want to get back to my normal life, but I’m afraid. The panic attacks have left me almost paralyzed with fear. I’ve tried to push through it. I haven’t let myself completely give into it. If it were just a feeling or a psychological thing, I might be braver about it and more willing to push myself. Instead, my fears are manifesting themselves physically. That’s the scary part. If I drive, I feel like I’m suffocating. If I go out in public, I feel like I’m going to pass out. I realize that just because I feel these things does not mean they are actually happening or that they will happen. That’s why so much of anxiety is so irrational. Nevertheless, I simply do not want to feel those things, and, therefore, I’m afraid to push myself out of my comfort zone and allow those feelings to take place.

When I look at it this way, maybe my fears aren’t so much different from anyone else’s. I mean, fear is rooted in the belief that something negative is going to happen, right? So, here’s my next question. Why would God teach me so much about being fearless and allow me to make so much progress in that area and then allow this crippling anxiety to come upon me that manifests all of my fear and pushes me right back to where I was before? Well, maybe for the same reason He’s allowing the anxiety at all. I wrote before about how I feel like God is working through this anxiety; refining me and strengthening my faith. I want to believe that I was sincere all those months ago when I was trying to be brave and live fearlessly, but when I think about it, I have to wonder if I really got it after all. I think it was good for me to realize those things, but I cannot honestly say that my thoughts at that point were, “God, this is only going to happen by YOUR strength and YOUR grace and the power of the Holy Spirit living and working through me.” I think THAT is the true source of fearlessness and bravery. Just like faith, hope, and every other aspect of our Christian lives, it’s not something we can muster up on our own. As much as I hate to admit it, I was getting to the point of relying on my own strength and thinking, “I can change. I don’t have to live in fear. I can do this.” Instead, God wanted me to be able to say, “I can’t do this on my own. I desperately need You every day, every moment.” Like 2 Timothy 1:7 says, God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and self-control. But that’s the thing. God gives it to us. We don’t possess it apart from Him.

 The Holy Spirit has become so much more real to me over the past few weeks. I’m recognizing that His power is so real and so essential. I’ve begun to cling to Jesus and rely on Him like never before. I’m seeing through this that I am totally dependent on Him. That is not a popular belief in today’s society in which independence and self-reliance is so emphasized, but it is the absolute truth. God knew it would take something like this to make me slow down, recognize, and deal with these things. He is taking me deeper, something that has been my prayer all along. For that, I am thankful. The fear is still real, but I know that when I am on the other side of this, I will understand what it means to be fearless and brave in the way God wants me to be. Fully dependent on Him, I have nothing to fear.