At this time last year, I had just graduated from Lamar and would be starting grad school in a few months at Baylor. I was very sad at the thought of leaving the school and people I loved so much, but I was so excited about the new adventure I was going to embark on in Waco. The first half of the summer flew by and soon it was time for me to make the move to Waco. I knew the program was going to be difficult, but I didn’t realize I was entering into one of the hardest Master of Social Work programs in the nation. Of course I would pick that one.
I still so clearly remember the day I moved to Waco. My parents went with me and helped me get all moved into my apartment. The excitement was still in the air as I unpacked my things! At one point, my parents left to go take care of some things at the hotel they were staying at nearby. I found myself sitting in my apartment alone and a wave of sorrow washed over me. I realized they would be leaving soon and I was going to be all alone in a new place and I just lost it. For the rest of the evening, I could not stop crying. I had orientation and classes starting the next day and could not bear the thought of going in by myself. My parents prayed with me and finally had to leave.
All the expectations about what my life in Waco would look like went unmet. I did not love school and I did not get closely connected with friends. I didn’t shine in my internship or in the program. I found myself in survival mode as I was buried under assignments and pressures of the program while struggling with intense homesickness, loneliness, and worsening depression. I couldn’t stand being away from all of my people back home and tried to go home every chance I could. I didn’t have much time to process all of this because of the extreme demands of the program and all I was doing for school. It was intense, to say the least.
I remember standing in my kitchen one day thinking about the program and comparing it to a crucible. Not wanting to use that comparison incorrectly, I looked up the word crucible. The definition of the word crucible is “a situation of severe trial, or in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new.” I read that and had an “a-ha!” moment. It’s like it hit me that I was, indeed, enduring a severe trial, but that last part gave me hope. According to the definition, something new was going to come out of this trial, this crucible called grad school. And it has. I have come out of this program so much more aware of myself as a person, so much stronger, and so much more dependent on my God. I can tell you with absolute certainty that there is no way I could have gotten through this past year without His grace and the strength He faithfully gave me in every difficult moment. As happy and relieved as I am to be back home, I never want to forget the way it feels to be so desperate for Jesus. I never want to forget the things I learned in that somewhat wilderness of a place that holds so many hard, yet precious, memories. Here is something I wrote in my journal while reflecting on my time in Waco:
I’ve
decided I am thankful for my time in Waco. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever
done, but it was good for me. God provided and taught me to fully rely on Him.
He gave me strength I could have never imagined having. He taught me to be
satisfied in Him alone and not in people. He stayed with me through the
darkest, deepest moments and He enabled me to keep going every day. When I
first got there, I didn’t think I would ever make it, and now I am done. It was
a crazy ride. I had great opportunities to learn from some amazing professors
and practitioners. God placed certain people in my path at just the right time
to encourage and be a blessing to me along the way. By His grace, I have my MSW
degree!
