Christmas Hope

Christmas. A time of preparation and celebration (lots of preparation!) A time to pull out the lights, stockings, ribbons, and Christmas trees and go shopping for the perfect gifts for family and friends. A time to sing Christmas carols, watch Christmas movies, drink hot chocolate, drive around and look at lights, and experience the magic and wonder that seems to be in the air throughout the holiday season (at least, these are some of MY favorite things to do!) Christmas carries so much tradition. Setting up the nativity scene in our front yard, singing in our Christmas program at church, going to the Christmas Eve Candlelight service, having Christmas pajama parties, spending the day/evening with family, and so much more. It truly is a magical time of year that has always been my favorite. There is so much joy and warmth all around that it’s hard not to get caught up in the wonder of it all. Yet, sometimes, it’s hard to experience that joy and wonder this time of year. Sometimes, it’s not so easy to “get into the Christmas spirit.” Especially after experiencing a significant loss at some point throughout the year. Somehow, Christmas seems to carry with it a reminder of the pain and heartache that losing a loved one brings. Maybe because the grief you have been carrying reaches its culmination during the holidays when there’s so much joy all around but you can’t seem to find it for yourself. Maybe because there will be an empty chair at your table at the family gathering, a visual reminder of the loss you have experienced. Maybe because some of your family traditions just won’t be the same without that special person’s presence. Whatever the reason, it’s true that Christmas can be an extremely painful time of year for those of us who have lost loved ones.

Last year was my first Christmas without my grandma. She passed away in March, and as we drew closer to the Christmas season, I fully expected to be completely depressed and for all of my grief to resurface as I was reminded of the loss and realized how different things would be that year. I am very sentimental; I often feel like I’m much TOO sentimental and that it’s more negative than positive. I have also always hated change, also to the extreme sometimes! So, you can imagine how I assumed it would be to have to face Christmas without my grandma, whom I was extremely close to. However, I was very surprised as it got closer to Christmas. Yes, I was sad and I had my moments in which my grief did resurface and I reflected on all that would never be the same. Yet, I had an overall joy and peace as Christmas approached. It didn’t make sense at first, but as I thought about it, I realized that it made total sense! You see, in the weeks leading up to Christmas, I wasn’t thinking about the season in the way that I usually would. I wasn’t focusing on the decorations or the songs or the programs or the gifts, though I was able to “get into the Christmas spirit” and be excited about those things. My primary focus as Christmas drew near was Jesus. He was all that mattered, and He will always be all that matters. I began to revisit the Christmas story that I had read and heard SOOO many times over the past 20 years of my life, and by doing so, I regained a sense of wonder and joy at the thought of Christmas. Not because I was excited about looking at lights and looking forward to carrying out the traditions, but because I remembered that the very first Christmas had nothing to do with those things. The very first Christmas was about God breaking the silence and sending His promised One down to Earth to break into our darkness with His light. It was about humanity finally receiving the Messiah they had been awaiting for so many years. The first Christmas was about the glory of the Lord overshadowing all of our fears and interrupting our pain and sorrow with His sovereignty and grace! I thought about the shepherds. They weren’t decorating a tree or stringing up lights as Christmas approached; they were living out their daily lives and doing what they always did. They were watching their sheep. There’s no way of knowing what was going on in their lives at that point. Maybe they were depressed. Maybe they had lost a loved one and felt hopeless and alone. Maybe they were angry and bitter because life had not been fair to them that year. But whatever may have been going on in their hearts was interrupted as the angels appeared and told them to go see the baby born in Bethlehem. You can read the story in Luke chapter 2. Notice what it says in verses 17-20:

“When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸ and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰ The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.”

When the shepherds saw Jesus, they rejoiced, praised God, and spread the good news! Not because their problems had been solved and their lives were all of a sudden perfect, but because they had met the One who offered the answer to their struggles. God’s promise was being fulfilled, and it brought hope to a hopeless world.

So, you see, Christmas is the answer to all of our pain and heartache because Christmas is about Jesus entering this world to save us and set us free! Jesus is the answer. He offers hope, and hope makes all the difference. As this Christmas season approaches and you wonder how you’re going to make it through, turn your attention from all of the lights and decorations and onto Jesus. Allow Him to break through your darkness with His light and fill you with joy and peace that can only come from Him. I’m not saying that it’s going to be easy or that you should just forget your loss and move on. Pause and remember. It’s going to be different, and it’s bound to hurt at some point. To be honest, I’m already starting to feel that slight hurt and loneliness again this year. But it’s okay to rejoice, because one day, Jesus is going to return and restore this world to perfection and heal all of our heartache once and for all. This is a promise we can hold onto and it will enable us to persevere and experience joy in the midst of pain. So, don’t be afraid to carry on with all of your traditions. Don’t feel guilty when you are able to rejoice while decorating the tree, hanging the stockings, and singing Christmas carols. When we focus on Jesus, He will enable us to experience Christmas in all of its beauty and wonder. He is the answer and He is our hope.

Best Friends Forever

Three weeks ago, I had the privilege of going to visit my best friend in Boston. She is a student at Harvard University and we have been trying to plan this trip ever since she started there as a freshman about two and a half years ago. So, I forced myself to overcome my fear of flying and set off to Boston (well, Cambridge, really.) We had a GREAT time! I was only able to stay for three nights, but we were able to do and see so much. We walked the Freedom Trail in Boston, which was very interesting. I loved seeing all of the historical sights and touring old buildings.  One thing I love to do is explore parks. Weird, maybe, but I love it. So, one of my favorite things about Boston was walking around Boston Common. I was finally able to experience fall, and I loved it. The weather was nice and colorful leaves were covering the ground. I also loved experiencing a small part of life at Harvard. The campus is beautiful and it was fun to walk around with Lauren and see where she lives and studies. It was also fun and rather stressful trying to navigate the public transportation system J. We also spent a lot of time in her dorm talking, drinking hot tea, and watching Pride and Prejudice. Those were some of my favorite times. Needless to say, the trip was a great success and I’m so glad we were finally able to make it happen.

Now, I want to tell you a little bit about this friendship and why it is so significant. It’s not your average “we’ve been best friends since kindergarten” story. Lauren’s dad was the pastor of our church for many years. He and his wife were expecting Lauren at the same time my parents were expecting me. My parents joined the church a few months before I was born. Lauren and I were born exactly two weeks apart. I can honestly say that I cannot remember a time in which Lauren was not a part of my life. We were best friends from the start. I’m sure many of the people in the church at that time can attest to the fact that we were inseparable from the time we could crawl.  The two of us were quite a pair, always running around making up silly games and causing trouble. You can imagine how upset we both were when we were five years old and found out that Lauren and her parents would be moving to the San Antonio area, five hours away from where we were currently living. I still remember the day she moved. My parents took me over to her house for one final playdate. We had crawling races in her empty room and climbed the tree in her front yard as we had done so many times before. And then, we watched them drive away. I was only five, but I still remember the sorrow I felt on that day.

I can’t help but believe that at this point, many friends would simply lose touch. Five is still a very young age, and it would have been easy for both of us to go to school and find a new best friend. We could have possibly stayed in contact occasionally, but it might have become awkward as we grew up since so much distance separated the two of us. However, this was not the case for Lauren and I. Over the years, our moms would bring the two of us to Houston for frequent weekend visits. We always had so much fun on those trips and it was truly as if we had never been apart. We would pick up right where we had left off. Lauren would also come stay with me for at least a week every summer. Even though we often only saw each other twice a year, we shared a bond that could not be broken. Countless memories were made even though we were separated by so much time and distance. Now, we are 20, and Lauren is still my very best friend in the world. In some ways, we couldn’t be more different, especially now that we’re in college. Still, we have so many similarities and one very important thing that I believe has held us together all of these years: Our faith in God and reliance on Jesus as our Savior. Only He could create a friendship that strong over so many years and miles.

For the past few years, Lauren and I have written emails to each other at Thanksgiving to express our gratitude that we still have each other as best friends. I’m a day late, but I was also supposed to write this blog three weeks ago. Lauren knows that I’m notorious for being late J. So, here goes…

Dear Lauren,

I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being my best friend for 20 years now. It’s still hard to believe how far we’ve come. I remember being three years old and running through the church hiding from “monsters.” And of course, dancing in your dad’s office, which is now, ironically, my dad’s office! I remember getting yelled at for playing underneath the handbell tables and staying up all night to “talk about the plan.” There was also that summer when we decided to become detectives and investigate the hollow tiles in my house that obviously led to a secret passageway (I think we read too many Nancy Drew books.) Let’s not forget all of the trips to Houston in which we compared American girl dolls, gave the weather and traffic report, and inevitably got into a fight or two. Come to think of it, we’ve had more than a few fights over the years. Thank you for never staying mad at me. Also, I could never forget all of the times we went shopping and insisted on buying matching outfits. These are just a handful of the truly countless memories we have made over the years. I always knew you would end up at Harvard, and now you’re there and I couldn’t be more proud!

Thank you for being my confidant. One of the perks of you living so far away is that I’ve always been able to vent to you and tell you everything that’s going on without having to worry about you telling anyone. Thanks for always knowing exactly what to say to remind me that everything is going to be okay and that I really need to stop stressing and overthinking everything.

Thank you for being yourself and allowing me to be myself. We are so very different, but opposites attract! I have never had to worry about being made fun of or having to prove myself when I’m with you. You are one of the few people that I have never felt the need to compare myself to or be jealous of. You’ve been my friend at my best and at my worst, and I could never thank you enough for that.

Thank you for staying true to your beliefs and convictions in a world that tries to sway both of us otherwise. Sometimes, it’s so hard to be different and take the high road, but I know I’m not alone. I always thoroughly enjoy our long talks about Jesus and following Him when it’s hard.

Thank you for holding me accountable and keeping me grounded. You inspire and challenge me to be more disciplined and steadfast. Yet, you still occasionally agree to eat cookies and ice cream, go on random walks down Avenue H, and get lost at the beach with me, because it’s okay to be spontaneous sometimes.

Thank you for always listening to my rants, encouraging me in my faith, and staying up all night to talk about our hopes and dreams for the future. I couldn’t have asked for a better best friend and I’m thankful that, because of Jesus, we truly will be best friends forever!

In Christ,

Katie <><

 

 

Deep Roots

It was a cloudy September day. My mom and I made the half hour drive out to my Grandma’s house like we had done at least a million times before over the years. I always knew what to expect when going to Grandma’s house. The scene was always the same. As we pulled into the driveway, she would often appear at the front door to greet us and then quickly return to the kitchen, where she spent most of her time. Her old, laid back poodle would be wandering around and her small, hyper, pesky Chihuahua would always be jumping at the front door to greet us. We would come in, sit down, and visit. I would usually wander off to the back bedroom, which was always somewhat of my hiding place as  I enjoyed the familiarity of the old furniture and calm atmosphere. After a while, Grandma would come open the door and say, “Supper time!” And then I would join the family in the kitchen for a huge, home-cooked meal, sometimes followed by a fun, competitive game of Scrabble.  That’s the way it always went. Going to Grandma’s was like going home. It was my safe place. Better yet, my favorite place.

Everything changed in March of 2014 when Grandma passed away. There were no more late-night phone calls or home-cooked meals or Scrabble games. The only visits to her empty house were to go through her things and keep things in order until we could sell it. Then, finally, on that evening in September, we drove to Grandma’s house one last time, this time to say goodbye to a place full of countless memories. It would soon be a home for someone else.

Soon after we got there and did one final walk-through, my mom and I made our way to that back bedroom that I had spent so much time in over the years. We stared out the window into the backyard that my mom grew up playing in and, as the years went by, my cousins and I did the same. Tall, thin pine trees were scattered around the yard. On this particular day, it was windy outside and as I looked up out the window, the trees were swaying. I looked at my mom and said, “That looks dangerous.” She smiled and said, “Yeah. Grandma always hated bad weather because those trees would start swaying. They have deep roots, though.”

Deep roots. I haven’t been able to forget that statement. As I stood there a little while longer, I started thinking. That’s exactly how it was for Grandma. That’s exactly how it should be for everyone who has decided to follow Jesus and has placed their life in His hands. The storms of life are inevitable. They will come, and they might cause us to sway and feel and appear as though we are going to break or fall over. But we won’t. Because underneath the shaky branches and limbs lies a bunch of very deep roots. God never promised us that this life would be easy. He actually promised the opposite. John 16:33 says, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” We might sway and we might bend, but we have hope. And as it says in Hebrews 6:19, this hope is an “anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” The storms of life will never break us or pull us under because our God is stronger than any storm. If we remain rooted in Him, we will never be shaken.

I know that my Grandma did not have it easy. She lost her mother at a young age and was raised by her grandparents. She had to work hard all her life in order to make it and help provide for her family. She suffered the loss of her two brothers and many other family members and friends. She endured the joys and challenges of raising three daughters. Life was hard, but she never gave up. She was by no means perfect, but she was strong. She had faith in a God who is sovereign and good, and she believed in Him with all her heart. This gave her hope, and hope made all the difference. As the years went by, she became a rock for her family. The legacy she left for us is one of love, imperfection, hardship, grace, and strength. We are also by no means perfect, but we do have one common trait: perseverance. We know where our hope lies and that’s what gets us through the storms.

Grandma was my favorite person and, when I lost her, I didn’t know how I was going to make it. There are still days when I feel completely lost and alone without her. But as I look back on her life and the life I shared with her, I know that I am going to make it because, like her, I have very deep roots. And for that, I am forever grateful.

 

 

Redefining Joy

Have you ever met someone who is always smiling? You know the ones I’m talking about; they are always happy, upbeat, and energetic and seem to just not be able to keep from smiling. I have never been one of these people, but I’ve always been drawn to them and somewhat in awe of them.

A lot of things come to mind when I think about these individuals, but one word always stands out. That word is joy. I have been following Jesus for ten years now. When I look back on these ten years, I see myself being characterized by a variety of traits and experiences. Insecurity? Yes. Anxiety? For sure. Depression? Definitely. Happiness? Sometimes. But joy? Not at the top of my list. I’ve always struggled with that one. It never made sense to me. I thought that, as a Christian, I was supposed to all of a sudden have this joy that emanated from within me and caused me to go around happy and smiling all the time. I was supposed to be this eternal optimist who was always bubbling with excitement and making everyone feel great about themselves. I don’t know why, but for some reason, that’s the picture I always had in my mind of what I should look like as a follower of Jesus. The Bible talks about joy a lot, actually. It’s one of the fruits of the spirit. John 15:11 says “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy will be complete.” I have a paraphrase of Psalm 16:11 painted on a canvas hanging in my room as a constant reminder of the joy I’m supposed to have. It says “In Your presence is fullness of joy!” I used to sing songs at church when I was little that said “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart!” Joy always seemed to be something that I was supposed to have as a Christian. Maybe that’s why I struggled so long with feeling like I was inferior and that I was missing something in my relationship with God no matter how hard I tried.

 Like I said before, I’ve never been that bright, bubbly, joyful, picture-perfect Christian that I had in mind. I’ve always been quite the opposite. Joy has always been somewhat of a foreign concept to me. For at least eight years now, I have battled anxiety and depression. I began having panic attacks in fifth grade. Throughout middle school and high school, I experienced constant anxiety in which I would have an overwhelming sense of dread for no reason. I felt like my throat was closing up and would start to sweat and my heart would pound. It was hard to breathe and my stomach would feel tied up in knots. So many thoughts would go running through my head that I couldn’t make sense of and I felt trapped in my own mind with an urgent feeling that I needed to escape. This happened whenever I would be sitting in class, a car, a movie theater, church, and practically anywhere else. Sometimes it would come over me when I would be laying in bed. Sometimes, it would escalate into a full-blown panic attack in which I would start hyperventilating, my body would go numb, and sometimes my muscles would start tensing up, making me feel like I was dying or having a heart attack. Those were the worst. Along with the anxiety came depression. The first time I remember experiencing this was the summer after seventh grade. It had been a rough year, and even though things were starting to look up and get back to normal, I went through each day feeling completely empty and hopeless. As the years went by, this feeling would come and go. Sometimes, there would be a reason for it, but usually not. Sometimes, I would wake up in the morning with absolute no motivation. Getting out of bed and even taking small steps took so much effort. I couldn’t even imagine being a “normal” person who went through life feeling happy and free. When I was a freshman in high school, I found out that I did, indeed, have an anxiety disorder, accompanied by depression. I began taking medicine and seeing a counselor. This helped a lot, and I was finally able to somewhat get it under control. However, it still remained a huge struggle throughout high school and it still is, today. Looking back, it makes sense that I’ve always been a pretty negative person. I’m much more of a pessimist than an optimist and I’m very easily discouraged. I’ve always turned more to the scriptures that speak about suffering and how to get through it than the ones about joy and allowing the Holy Spirit to live through me. I’ve been under such a burden for the past several years and never allowed myself to consider the thought that I could actually be a person who is joyful and excited about life regardless of my circumstances. Until this summer, that is.

 I spent six weeks of my summer working at a camp called Pineywoods. This place has been special to me for a long time now. I’ve gone to camp there with my youth group for the past seven years and God has really worked in my life through my time there. It’s always one of my favorite weeks of the whole year. So, I was thrilled when I got the opportunity to be on staff in such an awesome place. I had no idea that God was about to totally transform my outlook on life and show me the true meaning of joy, which, by the way, doesn’t exactly line up with what I have always pictured.

Working at Pineywoods is hard. We start our days early and sometimes end them very late. Throughout the day, we take on a variety of tasks that require a lot of energy and endurance. It’s very easy to get tired and sometimes extremely hot and dehydrated if you’re working outside. Still, as I worked alongside my fellow staffers, I noticed something. They were tired, hot, and weary, yet they were still smiling, laughing, joking with each other, and pressing forward. They were radiating joy in everything they did.  At first, I thought, how is that possible? My negative, often lazy self was so much quicker to complain and wish the day away so that I could fall into bed. But as the days and weeks went by, I started noticing a change in myself. I realized that even though I was tired, hot, and sore, I kept moving forward and smiling at people. And I wasn’t even faking it. I was suddenly filled with an energy and excitement every day that I’ve never had before. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I discovered what it meant to be joyful.

 Being joyful doesn’t mean that you’re not suffering and that your life is somehow perfect all of a sudden. It doesn’t mean that you were just created that way with a bright, bubbly personality and that if you weren’t blessed with that, you can’t be joyful. It means that you know that you’re serving the Lord, not people (Colossians 3:23). It means that you recognize what Jesus has done for you and that He has redeemed you and set you free from the things that once burdened you and held you down. Joy doesn’t come through trying harder to be joyful; it comes through realizing that there’s no way you can be joyful on your own and daily asking the Holy Spirit to give you that joy and live through you. It doesn’t mean you won’t still suffer, because I do. The anxiety and depression will always be a part of my story and I battle them almost every day. However, they no longer define me. I don’t have to let them burden me anymore. I can choose to fix my eyes on Jesus and remember that it is Him whom I am serving, whether it be at Pineywoods, at home, at church, at school, or wherever I am! I don’t want the kind of joy that comes through me trying to create it for myself by trying to be positive and faking a smile, because that isn’t joy at all. I want the true joy that only comes through me surrendering to the Holy Spirit and having an attitude of thankfulness because of what Jesus has done and continues to do for me and in me. It’s hard not to radiate joy when you dwell on all the ways Jesus has redeemed you and set you free!

I am so thankful for the people I was able to work with and encounter this summer who live out this joy every day and showed me what it looks like to be surrendered to and consumed by Jesus. It truly opened my eyes to the life God wants me to live. These people radiate Jesus in everything they do and it is so evident that God is working through them. I want that to be my story, too. I am no longer standing back in admiration, wishing I could be like those people. Instead, I am surrendering my burdens to God and allowing Him to fill me with His joy. Throughout my time at Pineywoods this summer, I continuously asked God to work in my heart, and He so faithfully did and is continuing to do so. I don’t want to waste my days anymore; I will choose joy because Jesus gives me life!  I hope you will, too.

“I run in the path of Your commandments, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32