The Gift of Faith

Faith. The assurance of things we hope for and the confidence in things we cannot see (Hebrews 11:1). The dictionary defines it as “complete trust or confidence in someone or something.” It is essential to the life of a believer and it is what enables us to confidently trust in Jesus for our salvation. Sometimes, it’s pretty easy to have faith because everything seems to be falling into place. God’s hand is evidently at work in our circumstances and we get to witness a miracle. Other times, it’s not so easy. Things happen that don’t make sense at all. We can’t see God working in our situation, and we’re tempted to give up hope and believe He has abandoned us. That’s where our faith comes in. We cling tightly to the truth of what we believe, no matter how things look, and we eventually see how God comes through and always shows His faithfulness. One of my most difficult struggles in the midst of my battle with anxiety the past few weeks has been my faith. Or lack thereof.

When my summer plans changed and the anxiety got to the point of almost consuming me, I was extremely disappointed and scared. As I shared previously, I felt completely hopeless. More than that, I felt faithless. Once I accepted the fact that God wanted me to stay home, I realized I was about to have to start fighting the anxiety. The thought was overwhelming. From previous experience, I knew it was going to take much more than a medication change. I was going to have to retrain my brain in order for me to drive and function normally again. And that’s what made me feel weak, terrified, and hopeless. I just didn’t think I could do it. I felt like nothing and no one could help me. My journal entries almost entirely consisted of my feelings of incompetence and the fact that I didn’t think my faith was strong enough for this. When people would ask me how I was doing or how they could pray for me, I would say, “just pray that my faith will be strong enough to fight this.”

The belief that I didn’t have enough faith to overcome the anxiety plagued me every day, every moment. Doubt started creeping in; the enemy’s way of pulling me further into a pit of hopelessness. I knew what I would need to do in order to fight and overcome, I just honestly felt like I couldn’t do it. Simply because I did not have enough faith.

Fast forward about two weeks. I finally opened up to someone about this faith issue. I told her about the anxiety and everything it was doing to me. I told her about the doubt that had been creeping in. And like I had written so many times, I said to her, “I just don’t feel like I have enough faith to fight this.” Without missing a beat, she replied, “but how much faith do we really need?” Immediately, my mind went to the story in the Bible in which Jesus told His disciples that if they had faith as small as a mustard seed, nothing would be impossible for them (Matthew 17:20). Almost with tears in my eyes, I said, “a very small amount.” She nodded and said, “I don’t think it’s so much about the quantity or how much faith we have, but Who we are putting our faith in and how much power and ability He has.”

That conversation was a total game changer for me. The woman I was talking to was not at all saying that it doesn’t matter if we have faith or not. She wasn’t minimizing the importance of having faith. Rather, she was saying that it’s not about us. It’s not about me. I can’t muster up a strong amount of faith on my own. Ephesians 2:8 says this: “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” This tells me that my faith is a gift from God. He enables me to have faith. It is not dependent on me. When I feel faithless, He remains faithful (2 Timothy 2:13).

In Mark chapter 9, we read the account of Jesus healing a boy who was demon possessed. This is one of my favorite passages of Scripture because I identify so much with the boy’s father. In verse 22, he tells Jesus what is going on and says, “if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help him.” Jesus answers him and says, “’If you can?’ All things are possible for one who believes.” I absolutely love this next part. The man immediately answers, “I believe; help my unbelief!” What a beautiful demonstration of faith that is weak and imperfect, yet present. I love the way John MacArthur describes this scene in his commentary. He states: “Admitting the imperfection of his faith, mixed with doubt, the desperate father pleaded with Jesus to help him to have the greater faith the Lord demanded of him.”

Faith is not something we can create on our own. It is a gift from God. It’s okay if sometimes we feel weak, because God can take the small amount of faith we have and make it grow into something great. If we rely on His strength and His grace and don’t try to make it about us, we will see that He is strengthening our faith. My struggle is far from over, and I definitely still have days in which my faith feels weak. However, I have had so much more peace and confidence ever since I began to fully rely on Jesus for the faith that I need. Don’t expect to be perfect. Don’t give the enemy a foothold. Refuse to believe his lies or let doubt creep in. Have faith, no matter how weak you may feel. His strength is more than enough. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8PLBQrzWQ8

Patience, Potatoes, and Trials

Patience has never been my strongest attribute. I’m the type of person who will, when the computer screen freezes, keep clicking and hitting “enter” repeatedly, even when it’s obvious that it isn’t going to help the situation. There are many nights in which I am studying or doing homework and quickly end up in a full-blown meltdown because I get so easily frustrated when I don’t understand or get it right immediately. Just yesterday, I was really hungry and my mom had some potatoes on to boil (one of my favorite foods!) I waited a while and went in to see if they were ready. They should’ve been at that point, but they weren’t. So, I waited a little while longer and went to check again, thinking they would surely be ready by then. Still, they weren’t. I immediately became so frustrated and thought, “WHY are they taking so long?” I was not at all interested in waiting. As I stood there looking at those potatoes, the reality of my impatience and desire for instant gratification suddenly hit me like never before. Impatience is a struggle for a lot of people in everyday life, but I think it also impacts us spiritually.

While patience is not something that comes easily for a lot of people, it is one of the most important aspects of our faith. It is, after all, a fruit of the Spirit, which means it is something that should be evident in the life of a believer. However, I think our spiritual struggle with impatience comes because the word “patience” is usually accompanied by the word “wait.” I don’t think I’m the only one who does not like to wait. Especially when it involves my personal life. There are lots of different waiting periods that we find ourselves in. We could be waiting for a new job opportunity or financial relief. Or waiting for test results or answers to some health problem. Waiting for wisdom and direction in decision-making. Whatever it is, at some point we’ve probably asked a lot of the same questions: “God, why aren’t You fixing this? Why is this taking so long? Will it ever get better?” Sometimes the waiting period is peaceful; you’re just living life and going about your routine while waiting for God’s intervention. Other times, it’s marked by heartache, disappointment, and confusion.

I don’t know about you, but I am personally in a season of waiting that is much like the second type I mentioned. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and let me tell you, it has NOT been the least bit fun or easy. Sometimes, things happen that completely interrupt your plans and, quite frankly, throw you into a pit. This summer was supposed to be amazing. I was going to work at Pineywoods, the camp I worked at last summer, again, and I was SO excited about all that God had in store for my second summer there. I was also given the opportunity to travel to Africa to help lead a retreat for missionary kids. God has recently been teaching me so much about being brave, getting out of my comfort zone, and fearlessly following Him, and I was so very excited about this opportunity to do what I love, ministering to young girls, in Africa! All of my plans were perfectly in place and I couldn’t wait for the summer of my dreams to begin. That is, until about three weeks ago. I’ve mentioned before that I struggle with anxiety/panic disorder. After doing so well for such a long time, it started to flare up again to where I wasn’t able to drive long distances alone. I’ve tried to manage it for the past few months, but it kept getting worse. Because of this, I had to make the difficult decision to not work at Pineywoods this summer. As much as it broke my heart, I knew I needed to start dealing with the anxiety. So, that was the new plan. As soon as I got back from Africa, I would go to the doctor and see what needed to be done. Then, bam. A week before I was supposed to leave, the anxiety got extremely worse. I started having panic attacks when I would drive even short distances and when I would ride in a car. Soon, they were happening almost constantly. After two trips to the ER and no sign of it getting any better, I finally had to make the even more heartbreaking decision to not go to Africa. Obviously, this thing needed to be dealt with immediately, and that is what I would have to do. The summer of my dreams quickly turned into the summer of disappointment. Or maybe just the summer of waiting.

So, here I am. I’m doing what I have to do in trying to get the anxiety back under control to where I can get back to my normal routine. At first, I was completely heartbroken, confused, and disappointed about the way things happened. Everything I had looked forward to doing this summer was gone, and I honestly felt hopeless, like I had no purpose. I felt like I would be this way forever; not able to drive or go anywhere and constantly having panic attacks. I’ve battled this disorder for years, but this is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. However, as the days have progressed, I’ve gained a new perspective.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few weeks asking God why this is happening. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why He would give me such amazing opportunities to serve Him and then take them away at the last minute. At some point, I started thinking of people in the Bible whom God tested, for instance, Abraham and Job. They didn’t understand why they were suffering or being tested. Their lives were not easy or pain free. Yet, they held onto their faith and trusted God with what they didn’t understand because they knew His character and they knew He is good. All of His ways are good. ALL of them. God rarely builds up strong men and women of faith overnight. It’s a process, and not always an easy one. James 1:12 says, “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.” Psalm 66:12 says, “…we went through the fire and through water, yet You have brought us out to a place of abundance.” How do you get to the place of abundance? By going through the fire and the water. How did God show Abraham that his faith was sincere? By testing him and asking him to sacrifice his only son. The same happened to Job. Freedom, abundance, joy, and true faith are always preceded by suffering.

So, as I sit here in my hurt and confusion, I realize that I am in a waiting period. I would love for this to be fixed tomorrow so that I could get on with my life. But instant gratification isn’t going to bring the fullness of life and faith that I desire. That comes in the waiting. When you look at it that way, suffering is really a beautiful thing. Maybe not in the middle of it, but definitely on the other side when you look back on all that God taught you and formed in you through it. Because I believe that to be true, I am no longer fighting the trial. I am praying that God will use it to strengthen my faith and that I will be patient as He does His work in me. Another one of my favorite scriptures is Romans 8:28 which says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Keep waiting. Keep praying. Keep believing. Sometimes it just takes the potatoes a little more time to boil than others. J