All Things New (The Journey Continues)

It’s December 21^st. I thought for SURE that by now I would be able to write about the joy and relief I have now that this intense anxiety battle is over. I was so ready to look back on all the miraculous ways God has worked in my life and everything He has taught me through it. It all started back in June, so I was sure it would be way behind me by now. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. It’s not over. Even though I’ve made remarkable progress and God continues to lead me and carry me through this, the journey and struggle continue. Some days are great and I feel like I’m finally over it. Other days, I feel like I’m backsliding and that I’m never going to get past this. I am learning that it is a process. A very long process, mind you, and I’m still cultivating the fruit of patience.

There have been SO many times throughout the past six months in which I’ve just longed to get back to “normal,” or at least, the way I was back in May before all of this started. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why this happened and longing for the way things were. However, God has continually revealed Himself to me and given me so many reminders that He IS, in fact, with me and that He is working in my waiting. Because let me tell you, sometimes it can definitely feel like I’m in a desert and that He has abandoned me. So, I wanted to share this awesome little reminder He gave me.

One Saturday afternoon, I was having a very difficult day. Anxiety had been tormenting me all day long and it was one of those days where I felt like I was losing all progress. I was also, once again, thinking about everything that had happened and mourning the loss of my summer dreams. I was in essence, having a pity party. As I was laying in my bed, I remember thinking and praying, “I just wish I could get back to normal. I wish I could just go back to the way I was back in May. I mean, I had things I was struggling with and areas that I definitely needed to improve on, but at least I was functioning normally on a daily basis.” And in that moment, as I thought those things, I immediately recalled something I learned at camp three years ago.

 It wasn’t a major theme for the week or something that was reiterated a lot and it wasn’t even the camp pastor who said it. At camp, we have what is called “power group” time each day in which everyone is broken into groups based on their age. Each group has a “shepherd” that leads a time of Bible study every day and then we are broken into small groups for discussion. The shepherd for my group that week was the one who shared this truth as a quick illustration before the lesson one day. He pulled out a pack of candy that said “New and improved” on the package and proceeded to tell us that this was false advertisement. It’s impossible for something to be new AND improved. If something is improved, that means it has been updated and it has become a little bit better than it was. But if something is new, that means it is NEW, not just a better version of what used to be. The way it was is gone and now something completely different exists. Therefore, it’s impossible to accurately describe something as being “new and improved.” I liked that illustration and it obviously had an impact on me, but it’s not something I’ve spent a lot of time dwelling on over the past four years. But it immediately came to me that day as I longed for the way things used to be.

Once God had my attention, it was like I could clearly sense Him saying, “No, Katie. You’re not going back to the way you were before. I’m not allowing you to go through this just so you can become some improved version of who you were. I am doing something completely new in you.” This was not the first time this theme had come up. Ever since I began this journey, I have felt like God was doing something new in me, whatever that meant. That day, it was confirmed. (By the way, the “shepherd” for my group that week was Brett Dutton. At the time, I only knew of him because he had been the camp pastor several years earlier. That year, I met him and his wife and formed a relationship that would lead to them inviting me to go with them to Africa this past summer. The fact that God used Brett’s words to speak to me in the midst of this journey is not a coincidence. He places certain people in our lives at just the right time for a specific purpose. It’s been almost four years since I heard that message, yet it came to me at just the right time. How cool is that?)

So, as we prepare to celebrate Christmas, I am reminded that even in the midst of pain and difficult circumstances, this season is one of joy and excitement. Not because life is perfect, because it’s absolutely not. I know plenty of people who are fighting much more difficult battles than I am during this season. Yet, it’s completely possible to be filled with joy because it’s a celebration of hope coming into the world. Jesus came as the answer to all of our sin and brokenness. We have to walk through it, but He has made a way for us to have eternal life in which all the pain we experience here on earth will seem “light and momentary” (2 Corinthians 4:17). Tim Keller says it this way:

          “Christmas is not unsentimental. It does not say ‘Cheer up!’ Instead, ‘Things really are this bad. Nevertheless, there is hope!”

Be encouraged this Christmas that even when things seem hopeless and out of control, there is HOPE. That’s why Jesus came. He is making ALL THINGS NEW. 

What I Really Wish I Knew

I spend a lot of time thinking about what I wish I would’ve known when I was younger. My friend and I named our girls ministry “What I Wish I Knew” for this very reason. We want to build relationships with young girls and share with them the things we have learned and wish we would’ve known when we were their age. Yesterday, instead of thinking about what I could tell young girls, I found myself thinking about what I wish I knew right now. It was kind of like reverse thinking, but I think it was good for me!

Unfortunately, I am still in the middle of a battle with anxiety. It has seemed to be only intensifying over the past few days. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do and I’ve been blessed with really good help through all of this, but I continue to have setbacks. Every day is a fight. I know that God is with me and I believe He is in control, but it is very hard to hold onto hope sometimes and my faith is definitely being tested. Yesterday was especially difficult. I could not get a moment of relief. Once again, I felt completely hopeless. I finally asked my mom, “Do you think I’m ever going to be okay again? Because I don’t.” My thoughts consisted of things like, “Am I going to live like this forever? Is it ever going to pass? Why is this happening?” Obviously, I like to write. It helps me process my thoughts. I wrote in my journal that I wish I could know for sure that I am going to get past this eventually. It would still be hard to endure, but at least I would know that there’s hope. If I could just have the assurance of the end result. That’s what I wish I knew.

Later that night, I decided to read the verses in Romans about how all things work together for good. I started a little further up in the chapter. This is part of the passage I read:

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God…For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” Romans 8: 18-21, 24-25

Those last two verses really hit me. Hope that is seen is not hope. If I could see the end result, I wouldn’t have a reason to hope. God does not typically show us the end result of our suffering. He only promises to be with us and that ultimately, it’s going to be okay. Verse 28, the one I was looking for, says “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Somehow, He’s going to cause everything to work together for good.

We are supposed to hope for what we do not see. I certainly can’t see the end of this battle, so I need to “wait for it with patience.” There’s that patience thing again. Not my strongest point. But I know that it is crucial. Ironically, I was asking God to show me the end result so that I would have hope, when I actually wouldn’t need to hope for anything if I could see what was going to happen. Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the confidence in things unseen. I am continuing to believe that He will see me through this no matter how bad it gets. I will hold onto hope because He is faithful. This I know for sure.

“Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.” Proverbs 23:18

To be Fearless

Fear is threatening to consume me lately. It’s funny, or maybe ironic, because up until a few weeks ago, I felt like I had come a long way in the area of fear. After years and years of being an extremely shy, quiet little girl who was terrified of absolutely everything, I was suddenly realizing that God’s plan for me included much more than just sitting on the sidelines and playing it safe. My friend and I started a girls ministry a few years ago, and back in January we decided to take things a step further this year. We decided to host our yearly conference at a camp. We knew this would require a LOT more work and responsibility, and, seeing how we’re both in college and this retreat is going to take place in the middle of the semester, it was definitely going to be a challenge. I remember a conversation we had one night that ended with us deciding our motto for the year would be “Do big things.”  We had both been learning the importance of getting out of our comfort zones and being brave.

 That night, after that conversation, I felt like I could conquer the world. I started doing a Bible study called Fearless and, shortly after, accepted the invitation to go work with missionary kids in Africa. Africa. The girl who vowed never to fly on an airplane, and, once she got over that fear, was adamant that she would never leave the country, was about to get on a plane to Africa like it was no big deal. You should’ve seen my Pinterest page around that time. It was FILLED with inspiring quotes about being brave and doing hard things and getting out of your comfort zone. I felt like God was strengthening my faith like never before, and I was so ready for all of the adventures to begin.

When my anxiety started flaring up so badly about a month ago, I slowly began to sink back into that pit of fear. These days, I feel like I’m right back where I started in a lot of ways. I feel safe inside my house and I’ve slowly gotten to where I feel safe at church, but anything beyond that is now out of my comfort zone. I want to get back to my normal life, but I’m afraid. The panic attacks have left me almost paralyzed with fear. I’ve tried to push through it. I haven’t let myself completely give into it. If it were just a feeling or a psychological thing, I might be braver about it and more willing to push myself. Instead, my fears are manifesting themselves physically. That’s the scary part. If I drive, I feel like I’m suffocating. If I go out in public, I feel like I’m going to pass out. I realize that just because I feel these things does not mean they are actually happening or that they will happen. That’s why so much of anxiety is so irrational. Nevertheless, I simply do not want to feel those things, and, therefore, I’m afraid to push myself out of my comfort zone and allow those feelings to take place.

When I look at it this way, maybe my fears aren’t so much different from anyone else’s. I mean, fear is rooted in the belief that something negative is going to happen, right? So, here’s my next question. Why would God teach me so much about being fearless and allow me to make so much progress in that area and then allow this crippling anxiety to come upon me that manifests all of my fear and pushes me right back to where I was before? Well, maybe for the same reason He’s allowing the anxiety at all. I wrote before about how I feel like God is working through this anxiety; refining me and strengthening my faith. I want to believe that I was sincere all those months ago when I was trying to be brave and live fearlessly, but when I think about it, I have to wonder if I really got it after all. I think it was good for me to realize those things, but I cannot honestly say that my thoughts at that point were, “God, this is only going to happen by YOUR strength and YOUR grace and the power of the Holy Spirit living and working through me.” I think THAT is the true source of fearlessness and bravery. Just like faith, hope, and every other aspect of our Christian lives, it’s not something we can muster up on our own. As much as I hate to admit it, I was getting to the point of relying on my own strength and thinking, “I can change. I don’t have to live in fear. I can do this.” Instead, God wanted me to be able to say, “I can’t do this on my own. I desperately need You every day, every moment.” Like 2 Timothy 1:7 says, God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and self-control. But that’s the thing. God gives it to us. We don’t possess it apart from Him.

 The Holy Spirit has become so much more real to me over the past few weeks. I’m recognizing that His power is so real and so essential. I’ve begun to cling to Jesus and rely on Him like never before. I’m seeing through this that I am totally dependent on Him. That is not a popular belief in today’s society in which independence and self-reliance is so emphasized, but it is the absolute truth. God knew it would take something like this to make me slow down, recognize, and deal with these things. He is taking me deeper, something that has been my prayer all along. For that, I am thankful. The fear is still real, but I know that when I am on the other side of this, I will understand what it means to be fearless and brave in the way God wants me to be. Fully dependent on Him, I have nothing to fear.

The Gift of Faith

Faith. The assurance of things we hope for and the confidence in things we cannot see (Hebrews 11:1). The dictionary defines it as “complete trust or confidence in someone or something.” It is essential to the life of a believer and it is what enables us to confidently trust in Jesus for our salvation. Sometimes, it’s pretty easy to have faith because everything seems to be falling into place. God’s hand is evidently at work in our circumstances and we get to witness a miracle. Other times, it’s not so easy. Things happen that don’t make sense at all. We can’t see God working in our situation, and we’re tempted to give up hope and believe He has abandoned us. That’s where our faith comes in. We cling tightly to the truth of what we believe, no matter how things look, and we eventually see how God comes through and always shows His faithfulness. One of my most difficult struggles in the midst of my battle with anxiety the past few weeks has been my faith. Or lack thereof.

When my summer plans changed and the anxiety got to the point of almost consuming me, I was extremely disappointed and scared. As I shared previously, I felt completely hopeless. More than that, I felt faithless. Once I accepted the fact that God wanted me to stay home, I realized I was about to have to start fighting the anxiety. The thought was overwhelming. From previous experience, I knew it was going to take much more than a medication change. I was going to have to retrain my brain in order for me to drive and function normally again. And that’s what made me feel weak, terrified, and hopeless. I just didn’t think I could do it. I felt like nothing and no one could help me. My journal entries almost entirely consisted of my feelings of incompetence and the fact that I didn’t think my faith was strong enough for this. When people would ask me how I was doing or how they could pray for me, I would say, “just pray that my faith will be strong enough to fight this.”

The belief that I didn’t have enough faith to overcome the anxiety plagued me every day, every moment. Doubt started creeping in; the enemy’s way of pulling me further into a pit of hopelessness. I knew what I would need to do in order to fight and overcome, I just honestly felt like I couldn’t do it. Simply because I did not have enough faith.

Fast forward about two weeks. I finally opened up to someone about this faith issue. I told her about the anxiety and everything it was doing to me. I told her about the doubt that had been creeping in. And like I had written so many times, I said to her, “I just don’t feel like I have enough faith to fight this.” Without missing a beat, she replied, “but how much faith do we really need?” Immediately, my mind went to the story in the Bible in which Jesus told His disciples that if they had faith as small as a mustard seed, nothing would be impossible for them (Matthew 17:20). Almost with tears in my eyes, I said, “a very small amount.” She nodded and said, “I don’t think it’s so much about the quantity or how much faith we have, but Who we are putting our faith in and how much power and ability He has.”

That conversation was a total game changer for me. The woman I was talking to was not at all saying that it doesn’t matter if we have faith or not. She wasn’t minimizing the importance of having faith. Rather, she was saying that it’s not about us. It’s not about me. I can’t muster up a strong amount of faith on my own. Ephesians 2:8 says this: “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” This tells me that my faith is a gift from God. He enables me to have faith. It is not dependent on me. When I feel faithless, He remains faithful (2 Timothy 2:13).

In Mark chapter 9, we read the account of Jesus healing a boy who was demon possessed. This is one of my favorite passages of Scripture because I identify so much with the boy’s father. In verse 22, he tells Jesus what is going on and says, “if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help him.” Jesus answers him and says, “’If you can?’ All things are possible for one who believes.” I absolutely love this next part. The man immediately answers, “I believe; help my unbelief!” What a beautiful demonstration of faith that is weak and imperfect, yet present. I love the way John MacArthur describes this scene in his commentary. He states: “Admitting the imperfection of his faith, mixed with doubt, the desperate father pleaded with Jesus to help him to have the greater faith the Lord demanded of him.”

Faith is not something we can create on our own. It is a gift from God. It’s okay if sometimes we feel weak, because God can take the small amount of faith we have and make it grow into something great. If we rely on His strength and His grace and don’t try to make it about us, we will see that He is strengthening our faith. My struggle is far from over, and I definitely still have days in which my faith feels weak. However, I have had so much more peace and confidence ever since I began to fully rely on Jesus for the faith that I need. Don’t expect to be perfect. Don’t give the enemy a foothold. Refuse to believe his lies or let doubt creep in. Have faith, no matter how weak you may feel. His strength is more than enough. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8PLBQrzWQ8

Patience, Potatoes, and Trials

Patience has never been my strongest attribute. I’m the type of person who will, when the computer screen freezes, keep clicking and hitting “enter” repeatedly, even when it’s obvious that it isn’t going to help the situation. There are many nights in which I am studying or doing homework and quickly end up in a full-blown meltdown because I get so easily frustrated when I don’t understand or get it right immediately. Just yesterday, I was really hungry and my mom had some potatoes on to boil (one of my favorite foods!) I waited a while and went in to see if they were ready. They should’ve been at that point, but they weren’t. So, I waited a little while longer and went to check again, thinking they would surely be ready by then. Still, they weren’t. I immediately became so frustrated and thought, “WHY are they taking so long?” I was not at all interested in waiting. As I stood there looking at those potatoes, the reality of my impatience and desire for instant gratification suddenly hit me like never before. Impatience is a struggle for a lot of people in everyday life, but I think it also impacts us spiritually.

While patience is not something that comes easily for a lot of people, it is one of the most important aspects of our faith. It is, after all, a fruit of the Spirit, which means it is something that should be evident in the life of a believer. However, I think our spiritual struggle with impatience comes because the word “patience” is usually accompanied by the word “wait.” I don’t think I’m the only one who does not like to wait. Especially when it involves my personal life. There are lots of different waiting periods that we find ourselves in. We could be waiting for a new job opportunity or financial relief. Or waiting for test results or answers to some health problem. Waiting for wisdom and direction in decision-making. Whatever it is, at some point we’ve probably asked a lot of the same questions: “God, why aren’t You fixing this? Why is this taking so long? Will it ever get better?” Sometimes the waiting period is peaceful; you’re just living life and going about your routine while waiting for God’s intervention. Other times, it’s marked by heartache, disappointment, and confusion.

I don’t know about you, but I am personally in a season of waiting that is much like the second type I mentioned. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and let me tell you, it has NOT been the least bit fun or easy. Sometimes, things happen that completely interrupt your plans and, quite frankly, throw you into a pit. This summer was supposed to be amazing. I was going to work at Pineywoods, the camp I worked at last summer, again, and I was SO excited about all that God had in store for my second summer there. I was also given the opportunity to travel to Africa to help lead a retreat for missionary kids. God has recently been teaching me so much about being brave, getting out of my comfort zone, and fearlessly following Him, and I was so very excited about this opportunity to do what I love, ministering to young girls, in Africa! All of my plans were perfectly in place and I couldn’t wait for the summer of my dreams to begin. That is, until about three weeks ago. I’ve mentioned before that I struggle with anxiety/panic disorder. After doing so well for such a long time, it started to flare up again to where I wasn’t able to drive long distances alone. I’ve tried to manage it for the past few months, but it kept getting worse. Because of this, I had to make the difficult decision to not work at Pineywoods this summer. As much as it broke my heart, I knew I needed to start dealing with the anxiety. So, that was the new plan. As soon as I got back from Africa, I would go to the doctor and see what needed to be done. Then, bam. A week before I was supposed to leave, the anxiety got extremely worse. I started having panic attacks when I would drive even short distances and when I would ride in a car. Soon, they were happening almost constantly. After two trips to the ER and no sign of it getting any better, I finally had to make the even more heartbreaking decision to not go to Africa. Obviously, this thing needed to be dealt with immediately, and that is what I would have to do. The summer of my dreams quickly turned into the summer of disappointment. Or maybe just the summer of waiting.

So, here I am. I’m doing what I have to do in trying to get the anxiety back under control to where I can get back to my normal routine. At first, I was completely heartbroken, confused, and disappointed about the way things happened. Everything I had looked forward to doing this summer was gone, and I honestly felt hopeless, like I had no purpose. I felt like I would be this way forever; not able to drive or go anywhere and constantly having panic attacks. I’ve battled this disorder for years, but this is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. However, as the days have progressed, I’ve gained a new perspective.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few weeks asking God why this is happening. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why He would give me such amazing opportunities to serve Him and then take them away at the last minute. At some point, I started thinking of people in the Bible whom God tested, for instance, Abraham and Job. They didn’t understand why they were suffering or being tested. Their lives were not easy or pain free. Yet, they held onto their faith and trusted God with what they didn’t understand because they knew His character and they knew He is good. All of His ways are good. ALL of them. God rarely builds up strong men and women of faith overnight. It’s a process, and not always an easy one. James 1:12 says, “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.” Psalm 66:12 says, “…we went through the fire and through water, yet You have brought us out to a place of abundance.” How do you get to the place of abundance? By going through the fire and the water. How did God show Abraham that his faith was sincere? By testing him and asking him to sacrifice his only son. The same happened to Job. Freedom, abundance, joy, and true faith are always preceded by suffering.

So, as I sit here in my hurt and confusion, I realize that I am in a waiting period. I would love for this to be fixed tomorrow so that I could get on with my life. But instant gratification isn’t going to bring the fullness of life and faith that I desire. That comes in the waiting. When you look at it that way, suffering is really a beautiful thing. Maybe not in the middle of it, but definitely on the other side when you look back on all that God taught you and formed in you through it. Because I believe that to be true, I am no longer fighting the trial. I am praying that God will use it to strengthen my faith and that I will be patient as He does His work in me. Another one of my favorite scriptures is Romans 8:28 which says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Keep waiting. Keep praying. Keep believing. Sometimes it just takes the potatoes a little more time to boil than others. J