I recently revisited the mind of my fifteen-year-old self.
It was an often scary place filled with fear, anxiety, insecurity, and doubt. I
have always loved to write and keep journals and always said that if anyone
found one and read it, they would send me to a psychiatrist (ironically, a psychiatrist
was exactly what I needed, and I ended up going to one anyway!
😊)
However, at the time, I was just a girl trying to live for Jesus and being so confused
and overwhelmed with the seemingly constant struggles of being a teenager. I
know I was not alone during that time, because the teenage years are an
emotional roller coaster for just about everyone. I love to go back and read my
old journals to see just how faithful God has been through the years. The story
I want to share with you today is especially dear to my heart and I hope it
encourages you.
I started twirling when I was in first grade. I had tried gymnastics
and softball but hadn’t particularly liked either one. A friend had just
started twirling and I decided I wanted to try it, too. My mom signed me up and
brought me to the studio for my first twirling class. I still so clearly
remember walking into the studio and being greeted by a kind, fun, bubbly lady
who introduced herself as my twirling teacher. She talked to my mom and then bent
down to my level, started fitting me for a baton, and said, “this is the real
thing!” in a really excited voice. At that point in my life, I was extremely
shy and didn’t talk to or open up to people easily, there were a few special people
that I would immediately feel drawn to and comfortable with. My twirling teacher was
one of those people. For the next seven years, I threw myself into twirling and
absolutely loved it. There were highs and lows, but it was a wonderful
experience that gave me more self confidence and helped me develop social and
other valuable skills. It gave me an outlet and surrounded me with wonderful girls
who I considered friends and teachers I considered role models who cared about
me and impacted my life in many ways. I loved my twirling community and looked
forward to the day I could try out for twirling in high school.
As I reached the end of my eighth grade year, I began to
sense that God was leading me in a different direction and that I should quit
twirling. Even though I loved it, I was growing tired and thought maybe I needed
a break. So, I did. In the summer that followed that decision, I began to
obsess over it and wonder if I had done the right thing. I found that I really
missed twirling and missed my teacher most of all. All throughout my freshman
year, I prayed and reconsidered going back to twirling countless times. Still,
I had this overall sense that I was doing the right thing and that God was
saying “no” to twirling. It drove me crazy. Throughout my freshman year of high
school, I would see my friends twirling and think “I should be out there with
them. I should be getting ready to try out for twirler.” I was convinced that my teacher was upset with me and that I wouldn’t be able to have the
relationship I had with her anymore. Even though I was in her biology class
freshman year, I assumed she would soon forget about me and see me as just
another student. The relationship we had through twirling would be gone and it
drove me crazy. After all of my praying, obsessing, questioning, and considering
my decision, I still felt like I was doing the right thing by quitting by the
end of my freshman year. I wasn’t supposed to go back. God was saying “no.” I
didn’t like it, but I decided I needed to be obedient to Him.
With twirling not being a part of my life anymore, I found
that I had much more time on my hands. And I didn’t necessarily like it! I
still longed for the way things were when I was in twirling and wished I had
something to do and focus on again that would bring me fulfillment. Sophomore
year was spent watching my friends become twirlers and wishing I was out there
with them, seeing my teacher in the hallway every now and then and feeling
like she just saw me as another student now, still wondering if I should go
back, and asking God what He wanted me to do. It killed me that I wasn’t
twirling anymore, but I knew I had to keep being obedient even though it didn’t
make sense to me that God didn’t want me to twirl. I just wanted to talk to my teacher and know what she thought of me. I wanted to know if I could still have
her as part of my life and a role model even though I wasn’t twirling. I wanted
to talk about how I felt and how I had not taken my decision lightly. But, I
just couldn’t. I was too shy and full of anxiety to ever have a conversation
like that.
Around that time, in the middle of my sophomore year, a few
friends and I came together and decided to start a girls ministry. We didn’t
really know what we were doing, but we knew that we cared about girls in middle
school and wanted to let them know that they were not alone in the struggles
they faced. We called it What I Wish I Knew (WIWIK for short) because we wanted
to share with them the things we wish we had known at their age. We planned and
hosted a conference that year for middle school girls and it was a blast! I had
never felt such purpose and meaning in my life and knew that this was what God
wanted me to do. We spent the next several years planning and hosting these
conferences. It took a lot of work and it was time consuming, so it filled that
emptiness that twirling had left. The ministry looks different, but still
exists today and it’s something we are working on expanding. This is what God has
called me to do and it gives me all the fulfillment I need to know that I am walking
the path He has called me to.
Looking back, I realize that I never would have been able to
do the girls ministry and devote enough time to it if I had continued twirling.
There are people I never would have met and girls who never would have been
impacted by the ministry if I had continued twirling, which would have been
easier for me to do and spared me a lot of heartache and questions. I couldn’t
see it at the time, but God told me “no” to twirling because He was preparing
to give me a greater “yes” to WIWIK.
There have been other times in my life in which I have received
a “no” from God. Every single time, it hurt. It didn’t make sense and I cried
and questioned and doubted and prayed for Him to change it. And every single
time, even if it was years later, I saw that He had worked it out for good. Not
just for good, but even better than I ever could have imagined it. Yes, He
allows pain, but He always redeems it. None of our tears are wasted and there
is so much purpose behind everything He does. So,
be encouraged. Your “no” from
God just might be preparing you for a much greater “yes.” Take heart and wait patiently
for Him.
To show just how faithful He is, God allowed things to come
full circle for me recently and healed a part of my fifteen-year-old heart that
never really got closure. I had a chance to spend some time with my twirling teacher recently
and talk to her about my decision all those years ago, how I felt about it, and
how God redeemed my story through allowing me to get involved with WIWIK. I was
able to hear things from her side and know that she was never upset with me and
that our relationship is the same and can continue apart from twirling. It was
an encouragement to her, but she will never know how much healing and peace it
gave me. I left that conversation in awe of God’s faithfulness. I wanted to
have that conversation eight years ago, but it wasn’t the right time. He wanted
me to wait until now, and His timing is perfect. He is faithful.
This is the song I have been singing the past few days:
https://youtu.be/RctWcSC6QNE
