Peace on earth?

 This past weekend, my mom decided to convert our garage into a “lounge” area for my sister to enjoy while she was in town. She wasn’t allowed to come inside the house because I am currently recovering from COVID-19 and in quarantine. No worries, she slept at her friend’s house; we didn’t make her sleep in the garage  If you know my mom, you know that she went all out. She happened to have two area rugs out here, so she set up lawn chairs on one of them and put a little end table that she recently repurposed in the middle of them. She placed a fall floral arrangement on the table and a fall wreath in front of it. She found a lamp and set it up next to the chairs and placed painted pumpkins on either side and hung cute fall signs on each chair. On the other area rug, she put a mattress that we randomly have in the garage and covered it with a sheet. She placed a small quilt on one end and two cute fall pillows on the other end. It actually feels nice out here! I am currently sitting here on the mattress, looking out at the neighborhood, and listening to Christmas music. Now that the scene is set for you, I will continue. 

 

If you are the type of person who strongly believes people should not start celebrating Christmas until after Thanksgiving, this must be a frustrating time for you. I am seeing and hearing of more and more people who have already decorated for Christmas; some did so before Halloween. I haven’t gone that far yet, but I am listening to Christmas music and have been for a while. The songs I am listening to speak of hope, peace, joy, and comfort. I think we are all desperate for that right now. 2020 has been long and hard, and it’s not over yet. The words “a weary world rejoices” ring truer than ever right now. 

 

I have always considered myself to be a pretty open-minded person, or at least I have tried to be. I hold very strong convictions and beliefs, but I’ve also found that I am able to see things from many different perspectives and understand where other people are coming from. Therefore, I’ve been able to get along with pretty much anyone and I’ve always believed that it’s okay for people to disagree on things and still be friends. 

 

I come from a very conservative, Christian background. I was raised in a church affiliated with the Southern Baptist Convention and my entire life pretty much revolved around faith and church growing up. As a result, my church family is very important to me and I have a deep appreciation for it as well as deep roots there. Literally, my parents planted a tree behind our church for me when I was two! My worldview and political opinions were shaped by and seen through the lens of my faith and the views of people around me, which were largely conservative. In addition to all of this, I have two degrees in social work, so I have definitely lived around and been exposed to much more liberal views. My story isn’t unique; I think most people start out believing the things they were taught and seeing the world through the eyes of those around them. However, there comes a point where each of us is exposed to another way of thinking and viewing the world, and we must make a choice. We must choose to hold onto the ideologies of our upbringing or go the opposite way and embrace a new worldview. At least, that’s the message I have generally perceived. I can’t count how many times I have heard people say things like, “they went off to college and became liberal.” I was warned so many times to hold onto my beliefs and not let “those liberal college professors” sway me. And if you are a person who has said those things, I’m really not trying to slam you. I understand the intent behind those words. 

 

Throughout my first two years of college, there were lots of things that were said by different professors that I outright disagreed with and sometimes was offended by. It annoyed me, but I knew what I believed and stood firm in that. This became a little more difficult as I entered the world of social work. Not far into my first semester in the program, I remember asking two professors whom I held great respect and admiration for the same question: “Is it possible for me to be a social worker and a Christian at the same time?” Throughout the next two years, they were able to help me navigate this and I couldn’t be more thankful for the education I received there. Even though we didn’t agree on everything, I deeply respected them and the work they were doing, and I always felt the same respect in return. Grad school was harder. I was surrounded by people who saw the world a LOT differently than me. I was learning a lot and there was so much pressure to conform to a certain way of thinking as a social worker. I found myself in a constant inner conflict and balancing act. The people were kind, but I began retreating inward and decided to just stay quiet. 

 

As I moved through school and now my career, I will say that my views have changed on some things, maybe even a lot of things. I find myself more in the middle than ever before. This election really caused me a lot of stress and I know I am not alone in that. The political tension that has been building in our nation for the past several years seems to have reached new heights this year. I’ve said so often this year that people are losing their minds on both sides of the political aisle. From social workers, I was hearing things like “If you are not voting for Biden, you really don’t need to be a social worker. I would really question your competence.” From Christians, I was hearing, “If you’re a true Christian, you will vote for Trump. There is no other option.” Then there was the usual, “voting third party is just throwing away your vote.” There were things about each candidate/party that I strongly disagree with, so I was told to prioritize the issues. I found that to be much easier said than done. 

 

I won’t go further into election talk or even politics, but my point is this: Yes, some of my views and beliefs changed when I went to college. Politically and spiritually. However, it wasn’t a professor or a textbook that changed my mind. It was people and their stories. As I began to encounter people through work, internships, and volunteering, my eyes were opened like never before and I began to realize that people tend to view the world through the lens of their own experiences. This shapes their beliefs and the way they vote. Who am I to say that they are wrong just because my life has looked differently than theirs? More importantly, I began to realize how very much my faith aligns with what I do in social work. I wouldn’t say that I deconstructed my beliefs like I hear so often these days; however, I think it was more of an expansion of my beliefs. 

 

So many young adults these days are going off to college and completely abandoning the things they were taught growing up. They are exposed to new information and experiences and begin to question things. The temptation to be radical and start calling out every instance of hypocrisy is strong. Believe me, I wanted to so many times. It would have been easier to just jump right in and become bitter towards faith and the Church. 

 

I do get angry at times. I see the hypocrisy that is often prevalent in the Church and evangelical circles have been heavily under fire lately. I strongly believe in the importance of recognizing when something is wrong in our theology or practice, calling it out for what it is, and doing the work to make it right or find a new way. I also believe that we as a society are often much too quick to draw negative conclusions about an entire group based on the words or actions of a few. One of my high school teachers warned us about the danger of this and I had no idea it would be so important later on. I believe that we also far too easily demonize people who we perceive to be on the “opposite” side of the aisle. We justify it by saying that we are standing up for what is right and refusing to associate with those who are intolerant, but do we realize how hypocritical that in itself sounds? When we refuse to tolerate those who disagree with us, doesn’t that make us exactly what we claim to be against? I realize that this isn’t a “one size fits all” statement. There are legitimate instances in which we must set clear boundaries and not allow any kind of abuse to take place, but that’s not what I’m referring to here. 

 

These days, I find that I am too conservative for liberals and too liberal for conservatives. And I never want that to change. I want to be able to empathize with ALL people, not just those who are on the side that is more popular with either Christians or social workers. I also don’t want there to ever be a distinction between my identity as a Christian and my status as a social worker because my faith informs and drives what I do. 

 

We’re all craving peace, joy, hope, and everything else that we sing about at Christmas. We need it more than ever right now. So, even though this sounds almost impossible, maybe we could work on contributing to that peace by actually listening to those who are different than us. Maybe we could be harder to offend and quicker to love. Things would change so drastically if we each decided to treat others as better than ourselves and swallowed some of our pride and the need to be right. 

 

Friends, let’s all start doing the work of building bridges and seeing the world through someone else’s eyes. It’s the only way. 

 

Pretty much everything I’m trying to say is summed up in this Christmas song…so, if you’ve made it this far, please listen and enjoy 

https://youtu.be/-JDSSUyENd8

All in One Day

All in one day, my whole life was changed;

I couldn’t believe it was true.

No warning, no sign, no reason to think

that my heart would be broken in two.

As all of the shock slowly turned into pain,

I finally gave in to the tears.

I remembered my faith and I wanted to pray,

but God did not feel very near.

I fell on my knees and cried out for help,

I prayed “God, can You not see?

You’ve always been good, and I’ve always believed,

So, Father, how can this be?

Did You close Your eyes and lose all control

while my heart broke all in one day?

I still have no answer, I still feel alone,

I don’t know what else I can say.”

Then softly and tenderly, Jesus came down

and held out His merciful hand.

He picked me right up, He held me awhile,

and then, in a soft voice, He said,

“My child, I know that you can’t understand

all of my heavenly ways.

I know you can’t see how this sorrow you have

could come about all in one day.

But I’m here to assure you that you’re not alone,

I’ll carry you through all your sorrow.

I’ll be by your side, and don’t be afraid,

for I’m already in your tomorrows.

And all in one day, I’ll come back again, 

I’ll wipe away all of your tears.

I’ll carry you home to a place where you won’t

remember the pain of your years.

Until that day comes, you must walk by faith;

I’ll guide you when you cannot see.

All in one day, all will be made right.

My child, until then, just believe.”

The Chrysalis

As I sat down with my journal last week in an attempt to untangle my thoughts and hopefully get some perspective, I found that the only words I knew to write were “I am just so troubled.” That was the only word that seemed to cover it. The past few months have been filled with uncertainty, grief, anger, fear, anxiety, and so much more for so many of us. The pandemic and tension around so many political/social issues would be enough, but life doesn’t stop for that and other tragedies and losses are still occurring. People are still experiencing everyday struggles and losses unrelated to the virus. It’s downright exhausting. With school starting back soon, parents and school employees are having to deal with so much unknown. We’ve never experienced this before. 

Late one night a little over a month ago, I found out that a precious little three year old girl that I know died in an accident. The shock overtook my body and I started hyperventilating like I haven’t done in a long time. When I realized who this child was, it’s like I just had a moment of resignation. In my mind, I was throwing my hands in the air at God saying, “really?? How much more do You expect us to take?” Sometimes it just feels like He has abandoned us and He’s just watching things spiral further out of control with His arms crossed. Like He’s given up on us. 

The next day, I was on my way home from Tennessee. We stopped along the way to look at some pretty scenery. As soon as I walked up to the lookout on a pretty mountain, a butterfly flew right in front of my face and landed on a leaf. It captured my attention completely and I remembered some research I did a few weeks ago after a friend asked me about the significance of butterflies. 

Butterflies don’t seem to be specifically mentioned in the Bible. However, transformation and new life is what the Bible is all about. A butterfly is the perfect symbol of this. A caterpillar retreats into a dark, dark place called a chrysalis. It literally disintegrates most of itself and starts building new muscles, features, and body parts. This process takes time, is painful, and requires hard work. It’s also very dark. At just the right time, it emerges from the chrysalis and is a totally transformed, new creation as a butterfly. 

Friends, we are going through what is known as collective trauma. This literally has an effect on our brain. It can affect us mentally and also physically. When all of this started, it activated the “fight, flight, or freeze” mode in our brain that alerts us that there is a perceived threat. Many of us are stuck in that state, probably more than we realize, because our brain doesn’t  know what threat is coming next or what to anticipate, so we stay in that mode in hopes of being ready to react. I could go on and on about this, but I’ll just say that being in this activated state for such a long period of time is EXHAUSTING. It’s the reason we might be feeling more tired, on edge, anxious, sad, afraid, and so much more these days. If you want to talk about this more, feel free to message me :) 

I will not say that we are in the same boat because many have pointed out that we’re not. Our situations are different and we’re being affected in different ways by this. However, I have seen posts that say “We are not in the same boat, but we are in the same storm.” I completely agree with that. Here in Southeast Texas, we are all too familiar with hurricanes and the effects they can have. When thinking about this pandemic, it kind of reminds me of when Hurricane Harvey flooded our area. Some people lost their entire home in the flood. Others only took on a little bit of water and lost a few items. Others were displaced from their workplace or had displaced friends and family living with them. For those of us who didn’t flood and seemingly weren’t affected, it was easy to feel guilty. However, I saw all of us come together to help those who were affected. We went out in boats to rescue people from the floodwaters. We set up and volunteered at shelters in our churches and other places. We did loads of laundry for those who were displaced. We donated and volunteered at distribution sites where we handed out water, food, and household items. We helped in countless other ways. I don’t think it should be any different right now. Maybe those of us who have not been directly affected by the virus and are able to can be looking for ways to help those in need. Whether it be dropping off a meal to someone who is sick or calling/texting someone who lives alone or who we haven’t talked to in a while, we can each do our part. We’re not in the same boat, but we are definitely all in the same storm. 

Chrysalis time is hard. The process of transformation is dark and ugly and painful. But the new creation and lasting effects are amazing. I feel like that’s where we are right now. Our world as a whole and especially the ones who have suffered great losses. Sometimes, I get stuck in a pit and can only see the chrysalis. It’s hard to imagine that anything beautiful can come out of it when it’s so very hard. When that butterfly flew in front of me that day, it’s like God was clearly saying to me, “The journey is going to be difficult, excruciating even. Do not forget the end result. The butterfly will come.” We’re going to make it through this.

*I want to add that while it is important to think of and help others through difficult times, it is equally important to take care of yourself, especially if you are struggling. You don't have to feel guilty for focusing on your own healing. Reaching out and being a blessing to someone else is often a great way to lift our own spirits at the same time, but we also must take care of ourselves because no one can pour from an empty cup :) 

When you feel expendable

February seems like a lifetime ago; a different world. In a way, it was. I remember being at an engagement party for some friends in Waco. I was standing there talking to someone I didn’t know and she casually asked, “So, has your life been affected by the coronavirus in any way?” I was confused and looked at her with what I’m sure was a blank stare. In my mind, I was thinking, “Isn’t that just something happening in China?” I actually thought she was joking, but I couldn’t tell, so I said, kind of awkwardly, “No, it hasn’t. Has yours?” She went on to tell me that her workplace had been having some problems because some shipments from China were being delayed. At that point, I understood and realized that this probably was an issue for several places. I said, “Oh, yeah, I didn’t think about that! I work at a preschool, though, so I’m sure it won’t affect me much.” Little did I know. 

As we all know, the coronavirus DID end up affecting all of our lives in one way or another. When the schools shut down back in March, I honestly thought we’d work from home for about two or three weeks and then go back to normal. Now, it is July and we don’t even know how or if we’ll be able to go back in August. Ever since the beginning of all of this, my family and I have not been afraid, but we have been taking the necessary precautions. We agreed that we felt like we would be okay if we got the virus, but we would never want to give it to anyone else, especially someone like my grandpa who would be much more vulnerable and unable to fight it off. So, we have stayed home as much as possible and worn masks as requested. Still, about three weeks ago, my mom ended up contracting the virus. I still remember the day she tested positive. She had started showing symptoms and that night, I was terrified. I remember such a strong wave of reality just hitting me and the whole thing becoming so real. My mind began racing with stories I had been hearing of people suddenly getting very sick and ending up in the hospital alone. I absolutely couldn’t bear the thought of my mom having to go to the hospital and me having to stay home with no access to her. I imagined having to drop her off at the hospital not knowing if I would ever see her again. And the thought did linger in the back of my mind, “Will I get it, too, and end up in the same situation?” 

Thankfully, none of those things happened. My mom did have a very rough time, but she was able to stay home and treat her symptoms. Three weeks later, she is still not feeling great and having a hard time building her strength back up, but she is definitely on the road to recovery. Unfortunately, the fact that she had the virus meant that my dad and I had to quarantine for 14 days. Like, actually quarantine where we literally couldn’t leave the house or have any physical contact with people. This happened just a few days after I had finished work for the summer, so I had just gotten back into the routine of going to work every day and now I would have to do exactly the opposite. I found that this round of quarantine was a lot different than it was back in the spring when everyone was staying home. Now, most people were still living their regular lives, as different as it is now, while we were literally isolated. This didn’t go well for me mentally. As you all know, I struggle with what can be pretty severe anxiety and depression. I have made significant progress this past year, but I have felt myself sliding back into a pit these past few weeks. Recently, I have had a few things happen that made me way more upset than they usually would because of the circumstances. When you are in isolation, you truly start to feel like the world has forgotten about you. Even though our family, friends, and church family were taking such good care of us and dropping things off constantly, I still felt forgotten and alone. I was craving meaningful connection with the people I am used to interacting with regularly and whom I have been cut off from these past few months. It starts to take a toll and then your mind starts messing with you. The enemy starts telling you that people don’t really care about you and that you don’t matter to anyone. All it takes is a couple of people not returning your text messages as soon as you thought they would to have you convinced that they don’t like you anymore. At least, that’s the way my mind tends to work! Thankfully, I have a great support system and I have a “toolbox” full of healthy coping skills that I know how to use (if I will bring myself to do it!) One of my favorite ways to process my thoughts and unravel unhealthy thinking patterns is through journaling. Below is an excerpt from my journal entry about a week ago as I was feeling forgotten. God seems to have a habit of speaking to me and revealing things to me as I’m writing, and this time was no different. 

“I feel so expendable. I’m probably blowing this way out of proportion, but I can’t deny that it hurts deeply. So, what does that say about me? What’s the deeper issue here? I think it further reveals how lonely and insecure I still am. Maybe it’s normal to feel that way. I just feel like I connect with other people so very deeply to where it hurts, but it’s one sided and they don’t feel the same about me. They like me and humor me, but they don’t really need me or want any quality time with me or anything. And as I’m writing this, I am having a realization that this could possibly be how God feels in His relationship with me. He loves me fiercely and wants to know me completely and have a special connection, but I’m okay to settle for a casual “hello” or even a deeper conversation every now and then if it benefits me, but I’m not interested in just spending time in His presence and pursuing that deep connection He desires to have with me. I blow Him off and make excuses. I treat Him as if He’s expendable.” 

This was such a powerful revelation. I cannot deny that avoidance is my favorite defense mechanism; the way I typically choose to ignore the things I know I need to address. This is especially true in my relationship with God. For some reason, in my worst moments, I shut Him out instead of drawing near to Him. Maybe, just maybe He was allowing me to experience what that feels like. Maybe He was and is showing me that I’m never alone and that there is Someone who deeply loves me and wants to spend time with me. Maybe, He’s teaching me that even though He can do everything without even the thought of me and I can do nothing without Him, I am not expendable because He calls me His and He wants me. That’s a pretty amazing thought. 

Fellow empaths and friends who feel expendable, know that you’re not alone. You have a place in this world even during a global pandemic when you are sitting at home by yourself. You are loved and seen and not forgotten. And, like I wrote in another journal entry, somehow it will all be okay. 

Failure to Launch

Have you ever thrown a paper airplane, watched it fly for a few seconds and then nosedive to the floor? Or have you ever seen a video of a rocket taking off and then shooting straight back to the ground? I feel like that is a perfect description of how adulthood has gone for me so far. I recently read an article about the reality of postgrad depression and how it isn’t talked about much. It’s true, and I think it applies to a lot of people in this stage of life that can be referred to as “emerging adulthood.”

 At this time last year, I was trying to push through the last few months of grad school and applying for jobs like crazy. I couldn’t wait to get home and “start my life.” My time away from home had proven to be lonely and full of challenges. So, I desperately wanted to secure a job back home in order to have something to look forward to. However, I wasn’t just applying for any jobs; I was ambitious. You see, I had a vision of what I thought my life was going to look life after grad school. I had it all planned out in my head. I had done this previously and planned out my grad school experience, and when that didn’t turn out like I hoped it would, I thought for sure the rest of my life would go as planned. Something had awakened inside of me when I became a social work major my junior year of college. Suddenly, I had so many hopes and dreams for the future. I wanted to do EVERYTHING. I was on fire and throwing myself into everything social work-related at my school and in my community. I figured I would go off to grad school for a year, thrive and shine in the program, get my degree, and come home and be the BEST social worker there ever was. I didn’t want to get an “ordinary” social work job, as in working at the same agencies a lot of my classmates worked at. I wanted to stand out and do something different. So, I applied for positions for programs that were just starting and looked for every unique opportunity I could find. Apart from my career, my true passion is girls’ ministry. My friends and I had started a ministry for preteen girls when we were in high school and had planned and hosted conferences and retreats every year since then. The ministry seemed to be growing and we had so many ideas for the future. Moving away for a year kind of threw a kink into the plans, but I figured it would be fine. I would get my degree and come back and jump back into the ministry, picking up where I left off and watching it grow instantly. I would live with my parents for a couple of months and then move into my new apartment. Oh, and I would find a new church family closer to where I would be living. I had two churches in mind that I would visit, and I was sure it would only take about a month to decide which one I would stick with. In the midst of all these big changes, I would absolutely soar and be an incredible social worker. Doesn’t that sound like a dream? An excellent plan?

The rocket launched in May of 2019 and came crashing down just a few weeks later.

What I didn’t factor into my plan was the fact that I have always had an extremely difficult time with change of any kind. For the first time in my life, I wouldn’t be a student. I would be transitioning out of what was the hardest, most mentally and physically straining year I have ever experienced and coming down from a crazy ten-month long adrenaline rush. Though I had two degrees and a head filled with new knowledge and experience, I still had SO very much to learn. If I had considered these things, I could have thought through them and prepared myself. It has taken me several months to realize that pride was in the way. I thought I could do it all and I was ready to be great. A friend recently referred to it as “rushing success” and constantly being focused on what’s next. Proverbs 16:18 says “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” I had good intentions. If you had told me I was being prideful, I probably would have been offended and appalled that you would suggest such a thing. But that’s exactly what happened.

Instead of everything going according to script, God allowed the script to be torn to pieces. He allowed my physical and mental health to spiral down into a place where I could no longer function. He allowed me to fail and feel the pain of disillusionment and rejection. He allowed me to be lonely and seemingly unable to connect with people no matter how I tried. None of it made sense and it made me angry. WHY would God allow these things to happen after such a hard year? Why wouldn’t He let things work out the way I wanted them to for once? Was it really too much to ask?

I am slowly beginning to realize that, just like always, God knew my plan beforehand. He knew what it would lead to in the long run. More than that, He had a plan that was much, much better than anything I could dream up in my head. He knew I wasn’t going to take the time to slow down like I needed to, so He basically forced me to. He humbled me and reminded me that I still have so much to learn before I could take off running and make all kinds of mistakes because I thought I knew what I was doing. The process has been pretty awful. Over the past several months, I have done a lot of sleeping, crying, questioning, and just trying to survive each day. I spent a lot of time thinking my life was over and wondering if I even wanted to live if it was going to be like this. I’ve said the words “I hate my life” more than I’d like to admit.

We live in such a fast-paced society that I think a lot of us, especially at my age, buy into the idea that we need to hurry up and do great things because time is running out. There is always something happening, and we don’t just need to keep up, we need to stay ahead. We look around and see our peers getting married, having kids, progressing in their career, and other great things and feel like a failure in comparison. It can be so discouraging when “right now” isn’t what we ultimately want.

Even as I type this, I’m still in a waiting period. There are so many things unsolved in my heart and things are not set in place that I thought would be months ago. Every day is a new learning experience. I am discovering that I need to slow down and value the things I am learning during this time. I am not defined by the opinions of others or my progress compared to someone else’s. Every individual’s journey is unique and there is no right or wrong way to grow; it just happens. Mistakes are okay. Failure is okay. Mental illness does not subtract from our worth or disqualify us from doing great things. It’s all in the way we respond and move forward. Several years ago, I heard this quote at a conference: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” I have never found this to be truer than right now. The past few months of what I saw as destruction were really just God breaking up my faulty foundations and laying a new, firm one. This perspective changes everything and I am so grateful for the process, as painful as it can be.

This song has been speaking to me a lot the past few days...

https://youtu.be/VQkHD15J7HI