Don’t you just love hearing the word “should?” So many
well-meaning people, including ourselves, often offer advice in the form of
telling someone they “should” do this or they “should not” do that. When we are
the one giving the advice, we really do have good intentions; we think we know
what’s best for the person and their situation. When we’re on the receiving
end, it’s a different story. I’m guilty of it, too. I am quick to think that I’m
the expert on other peoples’ lives and I have often used the word “should” in
an attempt to help or even control certain situations. However, being the
stubborn, quite independent person that I am, hearing someone tell me what I
should or shouldn’t do just makes my skin crawl and irritates me to no end. Can
anyone relate??
One of the things I love about being a Social Work major is
that I can apply so many of the things I am learning to my everyday life; not
just my future career. I have so many amazing professors who have so much
valuable experience and information to share. Last semester, one of them taught
us something that really stood out and has stayed with me ever since. She said,
“when working with clients, never ‘should’ on them.” She went on to explain
that telling a client what they should or shouldn’t do only makes them feel
judged and powerless over their situation. We are not there to boss them around
or control them, we are there to guide them into making decisions that will
help improve their circumstances. In Social Work, we respect a client’s right
to self-determination, which means that it is ultimately their job to make a
decision about their situation whether we agree with it or not, which is one of
the hardest parts of this profession.
I have really been trying to put this into practice in my
everyday life by avoiding the word “should” when talking to others or giving
them advice. I’d like to say I’ve been doing a pretty good job at it, except for
when it comes to myself. I cannot tell you how many times over the course of my
life, and especially over the past few weeks, that I have told myself things
that include the word “should.” “You should be studying more. You should be
trying harder with this. You should be able to keep it together.” Those are the
things I’ve been telling myself. I have to think that I’m not alone. I’ve
talked to several people lately who have expressed having trouble getting it together.
I am quick to tell others that they’re doing the best they can and that they
have every right to feel the way they do, but I never seem to allow myself that
much grace. I think the worst of it is when I start telling myself, “you
shouldn’t feel this way. It doesn’t make sense and you should be over that by
now.” That became a real problem. It has led me to some conclusions and
revealed to me many things I need to work on.
I know this won’t apply to everyone reading this, but it
will for a lot of you. Guys, we are living in a disaster area. I know that life
has pretty much gotten back to normal for most of us, but there are so many
people who are still displaced from their homes and dealing with the effects of
this storm. It seemed to come in out of nowhere and just turned our world upside
down. We were expecting it, of course, but no one could have expected the
extent of it. Our friends and family and maybe even you personally have been
through trauma these past few months. If you weren’t affected by Harvey, maybe
you’ve recently experienced some other type of “storm” in your life. The fact
is that everyone has gone through something, is currently going through
something, or will go through something in the future that is difficult. Life
is hard! We don’t need to “get it together,” we need GRACE.
Let’s face it: We, as humans, tend to fall apart sometimes.
We go through seasons of struggle and discouragement. Some of us experiences
periodic or constant depression. We keep going the best we can and feel like every
day is a fight. We go through the motions and try to find life and joy, but
that sometimes seems so far out of reach. Especially when we’ve experienced a
loss. We’ll have one particularly bad day and think “I have to get it together!”
or “I really need to stop thinking about that. It’s over and I should just move
on and stop being sad.” Let me share with you another little Social Work
secret. Self-talk is powerful. It determines our emotions and, eventually, our
actions and decisions.
A while back, I was reading a book by Lynn Cowell and came
across this statement that I think we could all benefit from:
God’s love does not
depend on my performance.
This has been a game changer for me. I have to remind myself
of this constantly, and I hope you will, too. Our struggles do not define us.
Our failures do not make God love us any less. His grace is greater than
anything we could ever do and anything that has been done to us. It’s okay if
we can’t get it together. Who, in all honesty, really has it all together?
The only way we are going to heal and cope in a healthy way
is if we acknowledge our struggles and emotions and own them. Realize that it
is what it is and determine to keep moving forward in spite of it. Grief is a
complex experience and it’s not limited to the death of a loved one. It is
experienced at the ending of a relationship, the loss of a home or pet, life
taking an unexpected turn, and many other things. We “should” not try to avoid
it or minimize it. We “should” not try to present ourselves as perfect or hold
ourselves to standards of perfection. We “should” give ourselves time and
permission to experience our emotions and process them, however long that
takes. We just shouldn’t “should” on ourselves!
If no one has told you lately, you’re doing a good job. You
really are. Assuming you are doing the best you can with what you have, that’s
all that can be expected. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Give yourself
grace and allow God’s grace to be greater than what you are going through. You are
going to make it. WE are going to make it. I’m speaking to myself here as much
as I’m speaking to you, and I hope we can all learn to be more open with one
another and encourage each other through these difficult days.
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