I spend a lot of time thinking about what I wish I would’ve
known when I was younger. My friend and I named our girls ministry “What I Wish
I Knew” for this very reason. We want to build relationships with young girls
and share with them the things we have learned and wish we would’ve known when
we were their age. Yesterday, instead of thinking about what I could tell young
girls, I found myself thinking about what I wish I knew right now. It was kind
of like reverse thinking, but I think it was good for me!
Unfortunately, I am still in the middle of a battle with
anxiety. It has seemed to be only intensifying over the past few days. I’m
doing everything I’m supposed to do and I’ve been blessed with really good help
through all of this, but I continue to have setbacks. Every day is a fight. I
know that God is with me and I believe He is in control, but it is very hard to
hold onto hope sometimes and my faith is definitely being tested. Yesterday was
especially difficult. I could not get a moment of relief. Once again, I felt
completely hopeless. I finally asked my mom, “Do you think I’m ever going to be
okay again? Because I don’t.” My thoughts consisted of things like, “Am I going
to live like this forever? Is it ever going to pass? Why is this happening?”
Obviously, I like to write. It helps me process my thoughts. I wrote in my
journal that I wish I could know for sure that I am going to get past this
eventually. It would still be hard to endure, but at least I would know that
there’s hope. If I could just have the assurance of the end result. That’s what
I wish I knew.
Later that night, I decided to read the verses in Romans
about how all things work together for good. I started a little further up in
the chapter. This is part of the passage I read:
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are
not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the
creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the
creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who
subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its
bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of
God…For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who
hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it
with patience.” Romans 8: 18-21, 24-25
Those last two verses really hit me. Hope that is seen is
not hope. If I could see the end result, I wouldn’t have a reason to hope. God
does not typically show us the end result of our suffering. He only promises to
be with us and that ultimately, it’s going to be okay. Verse 28, the one I was
looking for, says “And we know that for those who love God all things work
together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Somehow,
He’s going to cause everything to work together for good.
We are supposed to hope for what we do not see. I certainly
can’t see the end of this battle, so I need to “wait for it with patience.”
There’s that patience thing again. Not my strongest point. But I know that it
is crucial. Ironically, I was asking God to show me the end result so that I
would have hope, when I actually wouldn’t need to hope for anything if I could
see what was going to happen. Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and
the confidence in things unseen. I am continuing to believe that He will see me
through this no matter how bad it gets. I will hold onto hope because He is
faithful. This I know for sure.
“Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut
off.” Proverbs 23:18
No comments:
Post a Comment