Patience, Potatoes, and Trials

Patience has never been my strongest attribute. I’m the type of person who will, when the computer screen freezes, keep clicking and hitting “enter” repeatedly, even when it’s obvious that it isn’t going to help the situation. There are many nights in which I am studying or doing homework and quickly end up in a full-blown meltdown because I get so easily frustrated when I don’t understand or get it right immediately. Just yesterday, I was really hungry and my mom had some potatoes on to boil (one of my favorite foods!) I waited a while and went in to see if they were ready. They should’ve been at that point, but they weren’t. So, I waited a little while longer and went to check again, thinking they would surely be ready by then. Still, they weren’t. I immediately became so frustrated and thought, “WHY are they taking so long?” I was not at all interested in waiting. As I stood there looking at those potatoes, the reality of my impatience and desire for instant gratification suddenly hit me like never before. Impatience is a struggle for a lot of people in everyday life, but I think it also impacts us spiritually.

While patience is not something that comes easily for a lot of people, it is one of the most important aspects of our faith. It is, after all, a fruit of the Spirit, which means it is something that should be evident in the life of a believer. However, I think our spiritual struggle with impatience comes because the word “patience” is usually accompanied by the word “wait.” I don’t think I’m the only one who does not like to wait. Especially when it involves my personal life. There are lots of different waiting periods that we find ourselves in. We could be waiting for a new job opportunity or financial relief. Or waiting for test results or answers to some health problem. Waiting for wisdom and direction in decision-making. Whatever it is, at some point we’ve probably asked a lot of the same questions: “God, why aren’t You fixing this? Why is this taking so long? Will it ever get better?” Sometimes the waiting period is peaceful; you’re just living life and going about your routine while waiting for God’s intervention. Other times, it’s marked by heartache, disappointment, and confusion.

I don’t know about you, but I am personally in a season of waiting that is much like the second type I mentioned. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and let me tell you, it has NOT been the least bit fun or easy. Sometimes, things happen that completely interrupt your plans and, quite frankly, throw you into a pit. This summer was supposed to be amazing. I was going to work at Pineywoods, the camp I worked at last summer, again, and I was SO excited about all that God had in store for my second summer there. I was also given the opportunity to travel to Africa to help lead a retreat for missionary kids. God has recently been teaching me so much about being brave, getting out of my comfort zone, and fearlessly following Him, and I was so very excited about this opportunity to do what I love, ministering to young girls, in Africa! All of my plans were perfectly in place and I couldn’t wait for the summer of my dreams to begin. That is, until about three weeks ago. I’ve mentioned before that I struggle with anxiety/panic disorder. After doing so well for such a long time, it started to flare up again to where I wasn’t able to drive long distances alone. I’ve tried to manage it for the past few months, but it kept getting worse. Because of this, I had to make the difficult decision to not work at Pineywoods this summer. As much as it broke my heart, I knew I needed to start dealing with the anxiety. So, that was the new plan. As soon as I got back from Africa, I would go to the doctor and see what needed to be done. Then, bam. A week before I was supposed to leave, the anxiety got extremely worse. I started having panic attacks when I would drive even short distances and when I would ride in a car. Soon, they were happening almost constantly. After two trips to the ER and no sign of it getting any better, I finally had to make the even more heartbreaking decision to not go to Africa. Obviously, this thing needed to be dealt with immediately, and that is what I would have to do. The summer of my dreams quickly turned into the summer of disappointment. Or maybe just the summer of waiting.

So, here I am. I’m doing what I have to do in trying to get the anxiety back under control to where I can get back to my normal routine. At first, I was completely heartbroken, confused, and disappointed about the way things happened. Everything I had looked forward to doing this summer was gone, and I honestly felt hopeless, like I had no purpose. I felt like I would be this way forever; not able to drive or go anywhere and constantly having panic attacks. I’ve battled this disorder for years, but this is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. However, as the days have progressed, I’ve gained a new perspective.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few weeks asking God why this is happening. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why He would give me such amazing opportunities to serve Him and then take them away at the last minute. At some point, I started thinking of people in the Bible whom God tested, for instance, Abraham and Job. They didn’t understand why they were suffering or being tested. Their lives were not easy or pain free. Yet, they held onto their faith and trusted God with what they didn’t understand because they knew His character and they knew He is good. All of His ways are good. ALL of them. God rarely builds up strong men and women of faith overnight. It’s a process, and not always an easy one. James 1:12 says, “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.” Psalm 66:12 says, “…we went through the fire and through water, yet You have brought us out to a place of abundance.” How do you get to the place of abundance? By going through the fire and the water. How did God show Abraham that his faith was sincere? By testing him and asking him to sacrifice his only son. The same happened to Job. Freedom, abundance, joy, and true faith are always preceded by suffering.

So, as I sit here in my hurt and confusion, I realize that I am in a waiting period. I would love for this to be fixed tomorrow so that I could get on with my life. But instant gratification isn’t going to bring the fullness of life and faith that I desire. That comes in the waiting. When you look at it that way, suffering is really a beautiful thing. Maybe not in the middle of it, but definitely on the other side when you look back on all that God taught you and formed in you through it. Because I believe that to be true, I am no longer fighting the trial. I am praying that God will use it to strengthen my faith and that I will be patient as He does His work in me. Another one of my favorite scriptures is Romans 8:28 which says, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Keep waiting. Keep praying. Keep believing. Sometimes it just takes the potatoes a little more time to boil than others. J