Faith. The assurance of things we hope for and the
confidence in things we cannot see (Hebrews 11:1). The dictionary defines it as
“complete trust or confidence in someone or something.” It is essential to the
life of a believer and it is what enables us to confidently trust in Jesus for
our salvation. Sometimes, it’s pretty easy to have faith because everything
seems to be falling into place. God’s hand is evidently at work in our circumstances
and we get to witness a miracle. Other times, it’s not so easy. Things happen
that don’t make sense at all. We can’t see God working in our situation, and
we’re tempted to give up hope and believe He has abandoned us. That’s where our
faith comes in. We cling tightly to the truth of what we believe, no matter how
things look, and we eventually see how God comes through and always shows His
faithfulness. One of my most difficult struggles in the midst of my battle with
anxiety the past few weeks has been my faith. Or lack thereof.
When my summer plans changed and the anxiety got to the
point of almost consuming me, I was extremely disappointed and scared. As I
shared previously, I felt completely hopeless. More than that, I felt
faithless. Once I accepted the fact that God wanted me to stay home, I realized
I was about to have to start fighting the anxiety. The thought was
overwhelming. From previous experience, I knew it was going to take much more
than a medication change. I was going to have to retrain my brain in order for
me to drive and function normally again. And that’s what made me feel weak,
terrified, and hopeless. I just didn’t think I could do it. I felt like nothing
and no one could help me. My journal entries almost entirely consisted of my
feelings of incompetence and the fact that I didn’t think my faith was strong
enough for this. When people would ask me how I was doing or how they could
pray for me, I would say, “just pray that my faith will be strong enough to
fight this.”
The belief that I didn’t have enough faith to overcome the
anxiety plagued me every day, every moment. Doubt started creeping in; the
enemy’s way of pulling me further into a pit of hopelessness. I knew what I
would need to do in order to fight and overcome, I just honestly felt like I
couldn’t do it. Simply because I did not have enough faith.
Fast forward about two weeks. I finally opened up to someone
about this faith issue. I told her about the anxiety and everything it was
doing to me. I told her about the doubt that had been creeping in. And like I
had written so many times, I said to her, “I just don’t feel like I have enough
faith to fight this.” Without missing a beat, she replied, “but how much faith
do we really need?” Immediately, my mind went to the story in the Bible in
which Jesus told His disciples that if they had faith as small as a mustard
seed, nothing would be impossible for them (Matthew 17:20). Almost with tears
in my eyes, I said, “a very small amount.” She nodded and said, “I don’t think
it’s so much about the quantity or how much faith we have, but Who we are
putting our faith in and how much power and ability He has.”
That conversation was a total game changer for me. The woman
I was talking to was not at all saying that it doesn’t matter if we have faith
or not. She wasn’t minimizing the importance of having faith. Rather, she was
saying that it’s not about us. It’s not about me. I can’t muster up a strong
amount of faith on my own. Ephesians 2:8 says this: “For by grace you have been
saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not
as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” This tells me that my faith is
a gift from God. He enables me to have faith. It is not dependent on me. When I
feel faithless, He remains faithful (2 Timothy 2:13).
In Mark chapter 9, we read the account of Jesus healing a
boy who was demon possessed. This is one of my favorite passages of Scripture
because I identify so much with the boy’s father. In verse 22, he tells Jesus
what is going on and says, “if you can do anything, have compassion on us and
help him.” Jesus answers him and says, “’If you can?’ All things are possible
for one who believes.” I absolutely love this next part. The man immediately
answers, “I believe; help my unbelief!” What a beautiful demonstration of faith
that is weak and imperfect, yet present. I love the way John MacArthur
describes this scene in his commentary. He states: “Admitting the imperfection
of his faith, mixed with doubt, the desperate father pleaded with Jesus to help
him to have the greater faith the Lord demanded of him.”
Faith is not something we can create on our own. It is a
gift from God. It’s okay if sometimes we feel weak, because God can take the
small amount of faith we have and make it grow into something great. If we rely
on His strength and His grace and don’t try to make it about us, we will see
that He is strengthening our faith. My struggle is far from over, and I
definitely still have days in which my faith feels weak. However, I have had so
much more peace and confidence ever since I began to fully rely on Jesus for
the faith that I need. Don’t expect to be perfect. Don’t give the enemy a
foothold. Refuse to believe his lies or let doubt creep in. Have faith, no
matter how weak you may feel. His strength is more than enough.
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