Redefining Joy

Have you ever met someone who is always smiling? You know the ones I’m talking about; they are always happy, upbeat, and energetic and seem to just not be able to keep from smiling. I have never been one of these people, but I’ve always been drawn to them and somewhat in awe of them.

A lot of things come to mind when I think about these individuals, but one word always stands out. That word is joy. I have been following Jesus for ten years now. When I look back on these ten years, I see myself being characterized by a variety of traits and experiences. Insecurity? Yes. Anxiety? For sure. Depression? Definitely. Happiness? Sometimes. But joy? Not at the top of my list. I’ve always struggled with that one. It never made sense to me. I thought that, as a Christian, I was supposed to all of a sudden have this joy that emanated from within me and caused me to go around happy and smiling all the time. I was supposed to be this eternal optimist who was always bubbling with excitement and making everyone feel great about themselves. I don’t know why, but for some reason, that’s the picture I always had in my mind of what I should look like as a follower of Jesus. The Bible talks about joy a lot, actually. It’s one of the fruits of the spirit. John 15:11 says “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy will be complete.” I have a paraphrase of Psalm 16:11 painted on a canvas hanging in my room as a constant reminder of the joy I’m supposed to have. It says “In Your presence is fullness of joy!” I used to sing songs at church when I was little that said “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart!” Joy always seemed to be something that I was supposed to have as a Christian. Maybe that’s why I struggled so long with feeling like I was inferior and that I was missing something in my relationship with God no matter how hard I tried.

 Like I said before, I’ve never been that bright, bubbly, joyful, picture-perfect Christian that I had in mind. I’ve always been quite the opposite. Joy has always been somewhat of a foreign concept to me. For at least eight years now, I have battled anxiety and depression. I began having panic attacks in fifth grade. Throughout middle school and high school, I experienced constant anxiety in which I would have an overwhelming sense of dread for no reason. I felt like my throat was closing up and would start to sweat and my heart would pound. It was hard to breathe and my stomach would feel tied up in knots. So many thoughts would go running through my head that I couldn’t make sense of and I felt trapped in my own mind with an urgent feeling that I needed to escape. This happened whenever I would be sitting in class, a car, a movie theater, church, and practically anywhere else. Sometimes it would come over me when I would be laying in bed. Sometimes, it would escalate into a full-blown panic attack in which I would start hyperventilating, my body would go numb, and sometimes my muscles would start tensing up, making me feel like I was dying or having a heart attack. Those were the worst. Along with the anxiety came depression. The first time I remember experiencing this was the summer after seventh grade. It had been a rough year, and even though things were starting to look up and get back to normal, I went through each day feeling completely empty and hopeless. As the years went by, this feeling would come and go. Sometimes, there would be a reason for it, but usually not. Sometimes, I would wake up in the morning with absolute no motivation. Getting out of bed and even taking small steps took so much effort. I couldn’t even imagine being a “normal” person who went through life feeling happy and free. When I was a freshman in high school, I found out that I did, indeed, have an anxiety disorder, accompanied by depression. I began taking medicine and seeing a counselor. This helped a lot, and I was finally able to somewhat get it under control. However, it still remained a huge struggle throughout high school and it still is, today. Looking back, it makes sense that I’ve always been a pretty negative person. I’m much more of a pessimist than an optimist and I’m very easily discouraged. I’ve always turned more to the scriptures that speak about suffering and how to get through it than the ones about joy and allowing the Holy Spirit to live through me. I’ve been under such a burden for the past several years and never allowed myself to consider the thought that I could actually be a person who is joyful and excited about life regardless of my circumstances. Until this summer, that is.

 I spent six weeks of my summer working at a camp called Pineywoods. This place has been special to me for a long time now. I’ve gone to camp there with my youth group for the past seven years and God has really worked in my life through my time there. It’s always one of my favorite weeks of the whole year. So, I was thrilled when I got the opportunity to be on staff in such an awesome place. I had no idea that God was about to totally transform my outlook on life and show me the true meaning of joy, which, by the way, doesn’t exactly line up with what I have always pictured.

Working at Pineywoods is hard. We start our days early and sometimes end them very late. Throughout the day, we take on a variety of tasks that require a lot of energy and endurance. It’s very easy to get tired and sometimes extremely hot and dehydrated if you’re working outside. Still, as I worked alongside my fellow staffers, I noticed something. They were tired, hot, and weary, yet they were still smiling, laughing, joking with each other, and pressing forward. They were radiating joy in everything they did.  At first, I thought, how is that possible? My negative, often lazy self was so much quicker to complain and wish the day away so that I could fall into bed. But as the days and weeks went by, I started noticing a change in myself. I realized that even though I was tired, hot, and sore, I kept moving forward and smiling at people. And I wasn’t even faking it. I was suddenly filled with an energy and excitement every day that I’ve never had before. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I discovered what it meant to be joyful.

 Being joyful doesn’t mean that you’re not suffering and that your life is somehow perfect all of a sudden. It doesn’t mean that you were just created that way with a bright, bubbly personality and that if you weren’t blessed with that, you can’t be joyful. It means that you know that you’re serving the Lord, not people (Colossians 3:23). It means that you recognize what Jesus has done for you and that He has redeemed you and set you free from the things that once burdened you and held you down. Joy doesn’t come through trying harder to be joyful; it comes through realizing that there’s no way you can be joyful on your own and daily asking the Holy Spirit to give you that joy and live through you. It doesn’t mean you won’t still suffer, because I do. The anxiety and depression will always be a part of my story and I battle them almost every day. However, they no longer define me. I don’t have to let them burden me anymore. I can choose to fix my eyes on Jesus and remember that it is Him whom I am serving, whether it be at Pineywoods, at home, at church, at school, or wherever I am! I don’t want the kind of joy that comes through me trying to create it for myself by trying to be positive and faking a smile, because that isn’t joy at all. I want the true joy that only comes through me surrendering to the Holy Spirit and having an attitude of thankfulness because of what Jesus has done and continues to do for me and in me. It’s hard not to radiate joy when you dwell on all the ways Jesus has redeemed you and set you free!

I am so thankful for the people I was able to work with and encounter this summer who live out this joy every day and showed me what it looks like to be surrendered to and consumed by Jesus. It truly opened my eyes to the life God wants me to live. These people radiate Jesus in everything they do and it is so evident that God is working through them. I want that to be my story, too. I am no longer standing back in admiration, wishing I could be like those people. Instead, I am surrendering my burdens to God and allowing Him to fill me with His joy. Throughout my time at Pineywoods this summer, I continuously asked God to work in my heart, and He so faithfully did and is continuing to do so. I don’t want to waste my days anymore; I will choose joy because Jesus gives me life!  I hope you will, too.

“I run in the path of Your commandments, for You have set my heart free.” Psalm 119:32