As a Christian and someone who has grown up in church, I've always felt somewhat of a responsibility to hold it all together and have a deep, strong faith no matter what. God is good. God is in control. God has a purpose for everything. These are the things I have always believed and reminded others of when things go wrong. It's pretty easy to know these things and relate them to other people's situations. However, my faith has been tested in the past few months like never before, and truthfully, I haven't been able to hold it all together or be fully convinced of the truth.
My favorite person in the world, my grandma, was placed on Hospice care at the end of January after battling cancer for several years. Initially, I was devastated and tempted to despair, but I quickly reminded myself of the truth that God is in control. Over the next few weeks, things went on pretty much like normal. She got weaker, but she was still living independently and able to go places with us like always. On March 1st, she began to decline rapidly and passed away on March 12th, so much sooner than any of us expected. It happened so fast. One day we were playing Scrabble at the kitchen table and the next day she wasn't able to get up from the couch.
After she was gone, I wasn't just heartbroken; I was angry! I couldn't wrap my mind around it and spent most of my time laying in bed either crying or staring at the wall. The next week, I had to go back to school and was immediately overwhelmed with confusing homework in two suddenly difficult classes, extra choir rehearsals, and graduation/college preparation. Just the thought of having to get up every day and face all of it completely overwhelmed me and drained me of motivation and energy. Life became a cycle of grief, stress, and trying to find the strength to do the things that had to be done. Somewhere along the way I stopped reading my Bible regularly and my prayers became less and less frequent. I began to question God's goodness and whether or not He was really with me or even cared. My spiritual life felt like it was fading and everything else just seemed out of control. To me, it just wasn't fair. I didn't get as much time with my grandma as I wanted. I didn't know that she would be gone so quickly and that our time would be cut so short. I didn't want to hear what anyone had to say about Heaven or how we have hope because she is with Jesus. Nothing made sense and nothing brought comfort. I didn't know I was capable of feeling such grief and pain and at times I questioned everything I believed.
A few weeks ago, I was at church absently flipping through my Bible when my eyes landed on this verse:
"'Even now,' declares the Lord, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.'" Joel 2:12. Okay, I realize that I wasn't in the same situation that the people of Judah were in when God spoke to them in this passage, but I related to it instantly. The first part of the verse resonated with me the most: "Even now, return to me with all your heart." I felt like God was drawing me back to Him. He was showing me that He is good and in control even now, even when I'm angry and hurting and doubting. The worst thing I could possibly do in my time of grief was turn away from God, my only hope.
Ever since that moment, I have begun moving forward instead of sliding backward. I still have days of sadness and times when the pain is as real as it was three months ago, but I am no longer grieving as someone who has no hope. I am learning that hope makes all the difference. And, because Jesus has already overcome all of the pain and evil in this world, there will always be hope no matter what the circumstances. It's okay to be broken and even angry because He meets us in that place. He will not allow His children to slip away. He calls us back to Himself and it's up to us to choose to trust Him even in the midst of the darkest nights.
I love this song by Casting Crowns. It's called "Just Be Held" and it has been such a comfort.
http://youtu.be/tIZitK6_IMQ
I've read this over and over. You've so accurately described my feelings as well. I'm praying for a renewal.
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